A Welcomed Re-Connection

Today I heard from my sister through Facebook Messenger. She saw a video I posted on my DesperatelySeekingStephie Instagram page and reached out. It was so great to hear from her as we don’t talk often. After today, I am hoping that will change.

She said that while watching the video she was thinking to herself, “I kinda see her. I kinda see my sister that I looked up to for so long. When you smiled, I saw you.” We chatted for a long time after about so much and she gave me a lot of great advice. We’ve made plans to live chat tomorrow and hopefully to make it a regular occurrence.

One thing that stuck with me, she said that she misses the strong, independent person I was before I got with my son’s father. She said that after him, I was never the same. She’s not wrong. I got into a relationship with him in my early twenties. Before him, I never let anyone in enough that they could truly hurt me. I “hurt” them before they could hurt me. It was my way or the highway no matter if I was right or wrong. I am not saying that it was a good thing, it is just the way I was. I didn’t put up with anything or accept less than what I deserved. Then I fell in love, like real love because I got called out on how I was. I was asked how could I ever fall in love if I didn’t let myself fall and trust that he would catch me. So, I fell. We were good for a while but after a few years, and a traumatic experience, our relationship changed. Other things happened that caused me to leave him while I was 5 months pregnant. I thought I would have my family but, it didn’t happen. He broke my heart. I let him in, let him tear down my walls so that when he launched an attack so to speak, I had nothing to defend me. I lost a part of myself. We can go into more of what happened later perhaps and then also my fight with post-partum depression once my son was born but, the take away from this is the broken and feeling lost. I think this is where it began. Knowing this can help start the healing.

Feeling broken and lost, it’s not that I hadn’t had those feelings before but with all of my wall up, I was able to keep everything at bay. I didn’t have to let in the hurt. With no walls, I had nothing to stop all of the things that I had kept outside of them for all of my life. I started caring more what others thought. With not being able to keep my “family” together – my son’s father, me and our unborn baby I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough because if I was, my son would have his family. I didn’t have my father around and I promised that if and when I had children, they would have their family and I let my baby down.

In every relationship I’ve had since, I’ve never felt like I was good enough and I in some instances was treated like a doormat. If I was cheated on, I stayed, begging for my partner to stay. The old me would have kicked them to the curb, reminding them who I was and the respect that I demanded to be with me. But, that wasn’t the case anymore. It’s horrible to know in your heart that you deserve more but for you to then just let this hurt happen.

With Isaac, he loves me completely, he believes in me, he reminds me how wonderful he knows I am. But, if you’ve seen him, he is gorgeous and smart and so talented. He intimidates me in a good way. He inspires me to be more, to do more. In the back of my head, I wonder why he is with me and if one day, perhaps today, he is going to see what I do when I look in the mirror and high tail it out of here. I think about this more than is probably healthy. As I have learned from watching The Secret, because this is what I am thinking, it’s the energy I am bringing my way, I am going to speak it into existence. I try to fight it, I do but, if I think I’m unworthy, if I truly believe it, there’s nothing that can combat what’s going to come.

Thus where the change needs to happen. I need to be real and honest with me and not care if anyone thinks I am stuck-up, conceited or dreaming!

I think I am pretty, I think I have pretty eyes. I LOVE how silly I am. I know I have a distinct laugh but, it’s mine and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I like that I make funny faces when I speak and that I talk with my hands. Although I am not happy with my weight, I think I am sexy and know I can shed the pounds. I believe in myself. I know that I am smart and stronger than anyone gives me credit for – even myself. I know that when it matters, I always get back up when knocked down. I love my soul, I love that even with all I have been through, I still believe in the good. I still I have faith in people. I am at peace with my past. I AM AT PEACE WITH MY PAST. I am at peace with my past. Had anything been done differently I may not be living the life I have now. Everything is not perfect, but I have the perfect people in my life. I am blessed and truly grateful for where I have been and the direction I am going.

I can do this. I can be me. I deserve love and respect. I am worthy of the amazing people I have in my life. I am good enough for the man I love. I am good enough for the career I want. I am good enough to help make a difference with the causes that are close to our hearts.

Making time for me is important. I promised my sister that I would make it a priority. I think even using this time to time this blog is time for me. Allowing me to collect my thoughts and instead of them being all jumbled up with my head, I am able to type them down – forcing me to turn thoughts into sentences and then to stop and think about what I wrote. Again, I am not going back and reading any of these posts until they are live so I can’t make changes. What I write is what is going through my head right at the moment.

One more promise that I made to my sis, she told me to fix myself up, watch the video I posted yesterday a few times and then create a new one to talk about what I am grateful for. That’s my task for tomorrow. I will have a new video and of course, I’ll write a new post here.

They say you can’t change overnight, but, I can feel a change inside of me. Even when I am not on here typing, I am thinking about what I wrote already or thinking about my feelings and where I am at in life. This damn Covid-19 leaves me with so much time on my hands to spend with myself. I think I am starting to like me, feel comfortable in my skin. I’m feeling happier and more whole if that makes sense.

I sat with my son as he played video games today. He told me what he was trying to do and I cheered him on as he completed his tasks. He had his friends on the mic and his girlfriend on Facetime. It was nice to hear him laugh and be silly and for me to share in it.

Today was a day of being in the moment and accepting who I am. I love my family so much! Gosh, am I lucky to be surrounded by incredible people. Thank you sis for your time! I look forward to our call tomorrow! xo

Slowly But Surely

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept wanting to think of all of the bad things that could go wrong in my life with everything that I am facing. I tried my best to stay positive. I kept saying to myself that I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. I would say it fast and realized that I was working myself up. So, I had to slow down, take in long deep breaths and appreciate the words that I was saying. When I think of God, I think of calm, cool and collected. So, I did my best to channel that. Working myself up will only defeat the positive energy I am creating, thinking bad thoughts will work against the good thoughts I have been manifesting for my life. Pausing to remind myself of all I have to be grateful for is a powerful thing.

I know that I am going to slip up, It’s inevitable. What I am learning to control is how I react to those slip ups. I can’t freak out or put my head in the sand. See, that’s what I always do and it NEVER works. Time to try something new. My Honey always quotes Albert Einstein – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Since I don’t believe I am insane, I need to change things up. What could it hurt? In understanding that I am a creature of habit and I fear doing something that I don’t know what the outcome will be, this will be difficult for me. I have to allow myself to make mistakes, jump and hope, not know, that I will not fall, and if I fall, instead of admitting defeat, take the time to evaluate what happened and how I can change the outcome the NEXT time I try it. I’m surprisingly excited about all of this but, the kicker will be putting this newfound braveness into action and not let it die as only words.

I’ve also decided that I need to work on forgiveness. I think I do pretty well at this, I forgive people for the wrongs that they’ve done against me. I forgive too easily sometimes. I think it’s part of my people pleasing. But, I realized that although I forgive others, I don’t forgive myself for allowing the wrongs to happen and sometimes I don’t forgive myself for forgiving them. THAT is what I need to work on. Forgiving is something that with my faith, I believe in strongly. I don’t regret forgiving those that have wronged me. My takeaway from this, what I will be working on is to be more aware of what is going on to hopefully prevent some of the wrong doings, speak up more and don’t allow these things to happen to me but moreso, if and when I have to forgive others, I will work to not shame myself for it. I deserve forgiveness as well. It’s okay for me to believe in people, to believe that they may have hurt me once but that they won’t continue to do so. It’s part of what makes me…me. At the end of the day, I will take control over my actions and be more aware of the world.

I am taking a long look at myself. Things are going to get real and perhaps ugly. But, I hope I’ll be like a caterpillar and after I come out of the cocoon, I will emerge a beautiful butterfly. I can’t guarantee which way this will go each day. But, I am committed to giving myself the attention I desperately need.

I’ve got to start somewhere

So, since my revelation (that I didn’t have the courage to post until today), I have watched The Secret (my Honey bought me the book) wow, was that eye opening! It gave me a new perspective. The Power of Positive Thinking and believing things into existence. It’s hard when you’re always expecting something to go wrong. Honey calls me Chicken Little… I wish it was funny but, when something starts to go south I panic and think the worst and in turn get him riled up as well. Most of the time it’s not as bad as I imagined and we are worked up for nothing. That takes a lot out of you. I give the benefit of the doubt and think the best of people all of the time but, I am sure you know how easy it is to get sucked into gossip or negative speak. Misery loves company after all. It’s more of a challenge to think about the good – what you are grateful for, being good to others and so forth. If you can commit to only allowing positive vibes you’ll start to see your life change in a good way. Good attracts good. Although things are not perfect in my life or the world with the Covid -19, I still feel a sense of happiness in my heart, an err of lightness about me as I think only good thoughts. How about you give it a try? Clear your mind of the negative and think about happy thoughts. Hey, Peter Pan’s happy thoughts helped him fly – I think it’s worth a try!

I’ve also started meditating. I have been researching it for a few days but decided to delve in. Today was day 1 and I learned how to breathe! I know that we do that on our own without any guidance but today I learned how to breathe with a purpose. To let everything else go and just breathe. Relax my body and mind, let the thoughts come and go and allow myself to do nothing without guilt. The lesson was 15 minutes long and the doing nothing part was maybe 7 minutes but, as I sat outside on the porch, I heard the birds chirp and fly by, my dogs footsteps as she ran from one side of the deck to the other following the birds, my Uncle inside laughing at something he was watching on t.v., my Nana’s spanish guitar music playing as she sat on the other side of the deck (I downloaded Spotify on her phone earlier this morning), I felt the breeze gently wash over me as I sunk further and further into my chair. My worries dissipated, with my eyes closed, different visions came and went – Isaac’s smile, Brad giving me a hug, Miah playing with Raiyhn, and then of course the visions of what I heard, imagining I could see them happening as I heard the sounds.

I plan to create a page for the Event Planning business I have committed to starting. Obviously nothing is being planned at the moment but I have no doubt that once this stay in place is over, everyone is going to want to celebrate. I’ll be ready!

I don’t think one blog post is going to change everything, nor can anything be fixed in a day. But, I made a step in the right direction! Did you read that correctly? Ms. Stuck in Place, Ms. Paralyzed made a move? Hell yes, I DID! No need for applause. Haha, I don’t take this lightly. I’m proud of myself.

I like myself, I’m glad I’m me, there’s no one else I’d rather be!

Me

To want to share in this journey with me, you need to know who I am. I am a good person. That is what I bring to the table. I am loving and loyal and always try to do the right thing…even at the cost of losing myself. I am a people pleaser. Now, if you know me, you might say that I didn’t work hard enough to please you. But, I am so busy trying to please all of the people I love that it’s like a juggling act and eventually some balls fall. Yours may have been one of them. It was never my intent. I never want to cause pain to anyone I love. I want to be one of the main reasons they smile… I need it to validate myself. No one is perfect, and that’s hard to write. No one is perfect and unfortunately, I fall in that category.

I like to say I am not the smartest, or prettiest or strongest woman in the world but, I am good. I give all of myself to everyone else (and I apologize to those that don’t think I give enough) that I don’t ever have enough for myself. That causes me to look for it elsewhere and then I get blamed for draining those that love me. More often than not I feel like a failure. Like I am undeserving of what I have and that the people I love would be better off without me. I struggle with depression and have been sexually abused. Going out and doing things on my own are hard….sometimes terrifying. It’s gotten better over the years but, I prefer to go out with others in case I have a “shutdown moment” I am not alone. But again, that’s a strain on my family, especially my fiance who does so much for us already. So I’ll drag my feet or delay going to the store and then after a certain point, it becomes a fight. I don’t want it to get there. I never want to fight with him but, it’s beyond my control. Who in their right mind would choose to do something that they know is going to turn into something bigger?

Good things don’t happen to me and if they do, then I can guarantee that something bad will happen or the good will be taken away. I try my hardest to accept this joy and hold onto it but subconsciously I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. How can I ever expect to move forward, have everything I want if I don’t feel I deserve it? If I don’t feel like I am good enough? My Honey is AH MAZING, like I can’t even explain how much he gets me and still loves me for it. But in my head, I am holding my breath, waiting for him to see a part of me he doesn’t like or I’ll say something that is a deal breaker or do something that he can’t accept. This fear paralyzes me. I am afraid to do anything. I mean, I have him right? And he loves me and he knows my quirks and maybe if I don’t move then I can’t mess things up. Let me tell you, within these last 5 years, the majority of our major arguments are the fact that I don’t move. He sees me and knows that I am capable of more than what I am accomplishing, that I am smart and beautiful and strong even with all that I go through and for my sake, he wants me to reach my potential. He’s left more than once because of it. I am ashamed to say that I am paralyzed until the thought of losing him. See, for me, I don’t care but, for him, for our boys, I want the world for them. I want to do anything I can.

That…that, I want to do anything I can. That’s where the problem lies. This is where I want to scream. For them I want to do anything but for me, the person that I think is undeserving, I don’t want to do anything for. So, if my fear paralyzes me, how can I do for them? How can I despise me and love them? It’s impossible.

Now I need to take a hard look at myself, for myself. Why don’t I like me? Let me count the ways…

I’m ugly. Okay, but, do I really think I am ugly? All the selfies I take would say otherwise. I’m not as beautiful as some but, I am a beautiful woman. When I actually do my hair and makeup, I feel like a million bucks. – Note to self: FIX YOURSELF UP EVERYDAY

I’m fat. Yes, I am overweight and for my height I am considered obese. I need to exercise and actually like when I do but, I feel selfish doing something for me. My Honey is a great support and gym partner, I just have to give myself the opportunity to be healthy. Note to self: LOSE WEIGHT TO FEEL GREAT

I haven’t been married yet. I know this might sound stupid especially because I am engaged now but, I am 37 years old and still not married. I only want to do it once so, part of it has been my choice to wait but, in school my friends thought I would be the first to be married. Some are on their second marriage. It messed with my confidence that it hadn’t happened for me. But in this one, I have to take accountability. I could have gotten married…not with the right person or the right reasons and then I would have broken the one marriage promise to myself. Note to self: WAITING WAS RIGHT

I am afraid of failing. I am so terrified of failing that I don’t try. I want to be an Event Planner but I’m scared I’ll mess up someone’s event. I’ve planned Conventions for my last job and did so successfully but, I had the crutch of others to fall back on. If I do it myself and fail, there’s only me. I don’t want to put my family in jeopardy or ruin someone’s event. I have to try though. Not trying is worse than failing. Failing allows us to learn what doesn’t work so that when we try again, we can learn from those mistakes. There’s no learning if you never try. Note to self: YOU ARE NOW AN EVENT PLANNER

My Honey will leave me and I’ll lose my family. Isaac and the boys are my life. I know what I have to do to keep them all healthy and happy but will all my doubts, I can self-destruct at any moment and they will pay the price. Those three deserves to stay together. They fit. I blame myself now for the what if of it all falling apart in the future. What a fool. God has gifted me with these three beautiful human beings and they all love me! I must live in the moment and trust in God that he will keep us together. Note to self: MY FAMILY IS MINE! NOW AND FOREVER!

Most of this I’ve not admitted to myself before now. I am not going to edit what I’ve written or read it over before I post. This is raw and real and what I am feeling. I have learned a lot from this. I am worthy of love and of “having it all”. I can do whatever my heart desires with the knowledge that my family will support my successes and failures. God is good all of the time and if I believe in that, there’s no need to worry about bad times coming my way.

This is just the start. I’ve had my revelation. I thought I knew what I was doing with this page when I created it but, my heart is being guided differently. I am desperately seeking Stephie but, you’ll join me for many things. Learning to love myself, losing weight, happy with my family, starting my own business and so much more. This old dog is about to learn some new tricks. I hope you’ll be here to cheer me on along the way.

To Isaac, Jeremiah and Bradly – thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I am sorry for what you missed out on because of the shit I was going through in my own head. You all are worth me fighting my own demons. I’ve got this. ❤