Keeping My Stride

I am getting the reputation for doing what must be done no matter what within my family. Taking on the responsibility for my Nana has been a major task, one that has not been easy but, as she slowly starts to feel better, I am being recognized for my dedication to her health. My family sees that I lovingly did what was necessary and it is paying off. She is stubborn and set in her ways but, I towed the line and she knew I meant business. Tonight, I can rest easier as we’ve successfully started to space out the time in between her pain meds. I know it seems silly and yet, it is a big deal to us.

I didn’t lose momentum with school either. I thought I was going to, I was ready to throw in the towel but something inside of me just wouldn’t let me give up. Now I am halfway done with the semester and even though this is technically Spring Break, I have research for my speech due next week. There is no doubt in my mind that these next eight weeks will prove rather challenging. The closer I get to my goal, the more obstacles I find in my way. Anything worth having is worth the risk and so, I will push on. I’m not looking for a perfect grade as long as I pass. There is an opportunity for a speech in front of lots of people and I am deciding if I want to take the leap and apply for it. I’ll decide before the end of the week.

In other news, yes, tomorrow is another milestone I am not looking forward to hitting and it is still here. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and I’m proud of who I am. In some twisted way, I needed this time to find me. To prove that I could stand firmly on my own and be successful. It has not changed what I want, who I want but, I have changed and for the better. I love the woman that stares back at me in the mirror. I never thought I’d feel this way and now I never want to not feel this way. I have overcome every obstacles that has been put in my way. I did it with honor and integrity and a pure heart.

My life is transitioning and I pray it all works out the way I want. I pray that God and I have the same vision for my family’s future. Either way, I will continue to move forward with grace and grit. Fighting for what I want and believing that I deserve it. I lean more into my intuition now to guide me through these uncharted waters, asking for patience as I do my best not to control the process.

I was able to give Miah some incredible news today. Something that made him very happy. A simple request but it is life changing for him, for us. Proof that you can never stop believing. I’m excited for him. God is good…all of the time!

I have find a little peace this evening. As my Nana just went to bed and she’s not in pain at the moment and I know that I did good by Miah, I am feeling so relaxed. Still missing my little, always missing him but, sending love anyways. I’m keeping my stride somehow and making big plans for our future. 2021, we’ve still got a lot to accomplish. Let’s do it!

In Control

As my life seems to be in a whirlwind, I somehow got caught up in it. I lost my grounding and felt as if I was spiraling out of control. I think with all the pressure I am under, I allowed myself to spiral a bit longer than I should have… toying with the idea of just giving in and admitting defeat. Last night I was crushed. I can handle being messed with, things not going my way, but, mess with my kids and I see red.

This morning my mom took over helping my Nana and let me get some much needed rest. I woke up with my eyes so puffy and felt like I got hit by a truck. I sat at the kitchen table and knew I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on all of my hard work. I chose to release what is out of my control. I imagined the weight being lifted off my shoulders. I exhaled the negative and inhaled the positive and gave it to God.

As long as I keep on this path, in two months from today, I will have completed a goal of mine that is 20 years in the making. I can’t believe I can begin the countdown. I am so humbly honored to been given this opportunity. To solidify my position, I took my last midterm and aced it. There is still so much ahead of me but, I think my head is in the right place to make it to the finish line. My focus needs more focus. Lol

Some things tried to test me today. I am being pulled to revert to my old ways. To act out of ego instead of patience and understanding. I don’t ever want to give people all I have, I want to give them the best of me. Why settle for a piece when I am capable of providing the whole thing? I will admit, my head is still fuzzy. Lots is rushing through my mind and yet I feel unburdened. I know that whatever is meant to be will happen regardless if I fret or not. So, why fret?

This is a big week, I’m on Spring Break but have to work on my informative speech, Miah starts hybrid learning, Nana has a doctor appointment and so much more. I’m not looking ahead, instead focusing on tackling one thing at a time. There is no need to rush. Learning to stop and breathe is very important. I’m listening to my body. I’m working through emotions and issues and giving myself grace through it all.

I am proud with myself. I don’t know how I pulled myself from the darkness. Usually it takes me under and the fight to break free is months long. As I sit here writing this, I am not the mess that I was last night. Life is give and take. The balance is something we work towards for all of it. Understanding that things change, what we need and want, what we think and feel, as we evolve, the balance of things change. We are always working to find it. The trick is to not let it consume you. If you can make yourself a priority, find a peace within you, nature has a way of balancing things out for you without you noticing.

I am very blessed for my life. All the ups and downs, all the good and bad, every piece of it, has shaped me into the woman that I am. The woman that is perfectly imperfect and madly in love with herself and the life she continues to fight for. I love some incredible beings and pups and I am so much more than anyone gives me credit for. God created me. He gifted me with a uniqueness that is too much for some. It helps me weed out the weak. I may not have it all figured out but, I am stronger and more confident in myself this evening.

These next days will bring many memories. I am sending good vibes and lots of love and healing to all involved, myself included. I may be broken but, I am beautiful! I will never be counted out. I am a force of nature. By the grace of God, I will get through this and not have to sacrifice who I am in the process.

A piece of advice, love on those you love because it might not be a luxury you have forever. Breathe in their scent, memorize every birthmark, scar, wrinkle, run your fingers through their hair, listen to their heartbeat while you lay on their chest…. these are the things you’ll cherish more than gold, I promise you. Happy, sad, good, bad, near or far….

Out of Sorts

Oh my goodness, I have been so in my head as I near one year. Doubting myself and what I’ve accomplished. Where I’m heading and if I even care. Then something came in the mail… two things actually and I was feeling confident again.

But… everything is messed up again and I feel like I got hit with a crashing wave and don’t know which way is up. My son told me of some things that were on his mind and I felt helpless. I can’t take away his pain. I can’t answer his questions. I can only offer support and understanding. He wants to make a bold move, one that could change our lives forever. While I support him fully, I am scared something could not work to my liking.

With that, so many old memories came rushing back. Making me feel like that 23 year old new mother with Post Partum Depression and paranoid that someone was going to take my baby from me. I couldn’t fight the feelings and they got the best of me. My mom had to remind me that I’m not that girl anymore. I have come a long way, especially recently and I have to stand in my power. She actually said not to put that negative energy out in the world which is something I tell her all of the time.

I know I am on the right path. It is taking me longer than most. I think as I near reaching a long time goal of mine that I’m waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. That’s resorting back to past mentality and as I have proven this evening, I can’t go there. I don’t understand that anymore. I am an overcomer. I cannot give power to things or people, power that is mine and mine alone.

My boy is in a confused space. I am hoping going back to school will give him a sense of normalcy and allow him the comraderie he has been lacking. Somehow, some way, right?

This last year wasn’t for nothing. I have so many dreams that still need to come true. I was going to post a picture with some good news but, this really took the wind out of my sails. I’m spent tonight. So, no homework unfortunately, maybe some Netflix and bed. After all, tomorrow is another day. Xo

Pushing Them Away

I keep rewriting this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t know anymore. I keep pushing people away and for what? I’m losing faith.

This isn’t how it is supposed to be.

I don’t know if I can keep writing this blog. Hitting a year should be a happy milestone but it will not be for me. It is a looming reminder that my family has been split in half for a year. That my boys have been separated for a year. And, no matter how much I improve myself, it doesn’t change how much we miss them, how much Miah misses his brother. The pain hasn’t subsided. I think it has only gotten worse as he brings them up more. All the remember whens are nice in the moment but sting seconds later. He asks questions I can’t answer.

I guess no matter how much I grow, I’ll still only be human, only be me…and for some, that will never be enough.

Stubborn or Loyal?

I sit here pondering and talking to God, attempting to make sense of what makes no sense. Feeling deflated and frustrated from the things that are out of my control. I have become a master juggler and stupidly, assumed that the success of me taking on this much meant I’d have a say in some aspects of my life and yet things take shape and resemble nothing of what I had planned. I want to throw my hands up, drop all of the balls and take a mini vacation. I need some control over what’s happening here. And yet, that need is exactly why I’m going through this. I still haven’t fully given in and let go so I can be guided through these dangerous waters.

I just know certain things. Not many but, there are a few. I believe in the power of my intuition. Along with that, I have obtained an incredible amount of patience. As I get over a hurdle, part of me wants to sprint the rest of the way. That’s when I’m reminded that I am not ready for what is ahead and that’s why I haven’t reached that part of my journey yet. The naysayers whisper to give it up and that I’m being stubborn but, I see it as being loyal to my intuition. To what God has put in my heart. I am not too blind to see where I’m at and what I still need to work on.

I wish that was enough to curb my desire for more. But, now that I am mentally healthier and know what I deserve, I am hungrier to get it. My brother and his family, they increased in size and they are making big moves. I am so happy and proud of them. They are proof that I can have everything I want. They inspire me to never give up on my happiness. Some think I might be jealous or trying to compare our lives. We are such different people, Ying and yang, the Gemini twins, but, we are both big on family. I want my family to be happy as well, in our own way. My brother has always grinded for what he wants, I waited for it to come to me. A page from his book and here I am, making my own shit happen.

I know there are people out there that don’t want my dreams to come true. Many jealous of what I am capable of. “Friends, family” betting against me. What’s mine, what is meant for me, is going to find me eventually, even if someone causes a detour. Same with you. It may be delayed which is a shame but, it can’t be prevented. I think people need to focus on themselves and leave me be. Miserable in your own life, relationships, have low expectations for people you’re meant to love and have only good intentions for. Well, good will prevail. I am a good person through and through.

I want to close my eyes and count to ten and when I open them, I want my family standing in front of me. Lord knows I’m strong and still somehow my heart is aching and these damn tears are hiding right behind my eyes. So much is on my shoulders with no relief in sight. Something has got to give. I know it just can’t be me.

Ride or Die… loyalty doesn’t lie.

Glow Up

This year is a building year and I set quite a few goals for myself. While I have continued to grow internally… you read about it daily, I have not pushed myself as much as I have wanted to for various reasons. But, time waits for no man. So, I have recently started taking a multi-vitamin with like everything but the kitchen sink in it and while out with the kids, we stopped at Ulta for some products for my face. I have sensitive skin and wearing masks makes my face hurt something fierce. My cheeks feel like they are on fire afterwards. I am not getting any younger and want to age gracefully. Taking care of my body is important to me even though that’s what I let fall by the wayside. I picked up hydrating cream and toner and wow, my face smells and looks so fresh right now. I think this will be something I find easy to keep up with. I have started doing a few exercises but decided that tomorrow I will go back to incorporating yoga into my daily routine. I absolutely can’t wait to get back in the gym, even though I’m missing my partner.

Miah’s girlfriend and I were talking about her family earlier and the topic of actions speak louder than words came up. I had to internalize that for a moment. I keep saying that I am going to lose weight but, I don’t force the issue. 10 years ago I was down to 120 lbs and although I think that was a little too thin, I worked my butt off to get there. What’s stopping me now? This week I have tried to avoid soda and have made better food choices. I have had at least one avocado a day and I made this awesome cucumber cocktail last night that is so yummy. I like cooking and my tummy appreciates it more than fast food. I thought that with everything being so crazy it would be harder to stay on top of these things but, it forces me to make time for myself. I look in the refrigerator and see the easy stuff to grab or how I could just hop in the car to go to get fast food but, choosing my health, choosing to cut up some bell pepper and avocados to eat for lunch, that time is time I am choosing me and it is necessary. It makes me happy inside.

I still have plenty of weight to lose and I have to keep making the effort but, I am ready to honestly have my exterior feel as good as my interior. Things are making more sense each and every day. Because of that, the happiness is exuding out of me. I can’t hide it or deny it. I have waited too long to be this woman. I never thought I would get here. I didn’t think I had it in me to ever fight for her. Scared that choosing me would mean that I wasn’t choosing my family. Damn it, I am my family. Choosing me is choosing us. This knowledge is proving powerful and although I am not the Almighty, I feel like I have the strength to move mountains. Never underestimate what you are made of. You’ll do yourself and your loved ones a disservice. When you find your family, they will see the most beautiful version of you through all of your flaws. Breathe into it, accept unconditional love, trust that you are deserving of the good that surrounds you. Don’t deny yourself what’s meant for you out of fear. Faith over fear…. always.

Learn to ride the wave regardless if it is perfect or not. Many things are coming my way but don’t look how I imagined. I can get upset or I can enjoy the ride. Remember, I only control me, I can’t change the circumstances, only how I respond to them. I am rising above, I am just so blessed for what is happening in my life. I feel so much right now, overwhelmed for what is to come. I let go of my expectations and accept what the tide is bringing in. Abundance, Love, Endurance, Strength, Happiness, etc.

Here I am….

From the Inside Out

“Even in the midst of many changes and unknowns,  she took a deep breath, gathered her courage, and  dared to make today good.” ~ Rachel Marie Martin

A picture popped up in my memories of me from three years ago. I was like 20lbs thinner and really happy with my life. So, I decided to take a picture of me last night, exhausted at the end of the night and compare the two. The now picture, I am glowing. You can see my happiness through my eyes, my smile, everything. What a difference being happy in your own skin and loving yourself makes. I thought as long as I loved my family enough that I was doing good. While it was good, it wasn’t the best I could do or be. It is obvious as I look back now. I think of all the things I could have done better, wait, let me rephrase that, that was the best I had then, now, I am capable of so much more.

It is important to know our limits so that we can exceed them. When you’re depressed, simply holding on is tiring. Fighting an internal battle in your head to make sure that the light overcomes or at least holds off the darkness take energy that you were meant to exert elsewhere. Years of sweeping the hard stuff under the rug will do that to you. I become frustrated with the things I owed better and then I have to remember that I gave all I had. I left nothing for myself. Thankfully, that has all changed and I seem to have a never ending stream of my best to give. It’s the only way I can explain how I’ve managed to keep up with all I have on my plate.

It feels good to be clear headed and able to find the right words when expressing a thought or opinion. I am not stumbling for the right word or forgetting what I wanted to say. Part of that I credit to school. Learning to be an active listener instead of only hearing what the speaker is saying proves to change the way you listen. I like to think I am a better communicator. I am comfortable in an exchange and confident to speak up for myself instead of quieting myself for the benefit of others. Words are my thing and I think I do well at expressing myself… especially in my assignments. Oh, I never posted my speech. I will have to do so for you. I’m already working on my next one.

Well, this may not be an appropriate place to end tonight but, I have to go give my Nana her meds. My world is chaos and yet, I’m doing good. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. We have to trust the process and check our ego at the door. I know I’m going to be alright, I know my life is changing, I can feel it in my bones. The universe is working magic for me. I believe with all I am.

Bring It

She swings and it’s a hit… right out of the park. You can only hit the balls you swing at. I have now learned it is better to swing and miss, than hesitate and never know what could have been. Lately, I’ve hit every ball that has come my way, even the fast balls. Too many to count, I feel like I’m at the batting cages, one after another with no break. You see, thats where I get to show what I’m made of. Others would walk away, call it quits. I know what I’m swinging for, I know what this means to me and so, with weary arms, I take another swing, determined to get safely to home plate.

Too tired to function, I woke up and mastered this day. I had one class completed prior to lunch and another almost halfway there. I found the strength and concentration to buckle down and get work done. Nana was up or well, talking in her sleep almost all night so she was really tired today. That allowed me the time I needed to buckle down. Then I had to go shopping for the family this afternoon. Slowing down is hard to do, in a sense, it is okay since I don’t think I’d know what to do with myself.

I wish I could take you on a journey inside my head. So you could see all the light where darkness lingered for years. To feel the love I have for myself and that the hatred has been vanquished. All of the lessons I have learned, the wrongs I want to right, how more open I have become overall. I used to wake up dreading the day. Now, I thank God for blessing me with a new one…filled with opportunities. I am excited and anxious of what’s in front of me but it is better than being fearful.

I know there is no magic wand. I still take everything one step at a time. Being mindful of the signs and synchronicities all around me. I am not attempting to have all the answers or even pretending to do so. I work everything out as it comes to me with patience understanding. With the goal of always being the best me I can possibly be. Accepting my flaws as a place to grow from, knowing full well that who I’ve always been is not who I have to continue to be. We have the right, the ability and capability to change what we don’t like and be our authentic selves without worrying about what others think.

Gone are the days where I make excuses for others for not accepting me as I am. For praising those that accept me despite my flaws. I know loving me is not easy but, I don’t think that is a bad thing anymore. I am working on retraining my brain, turning the negatives into positives and finding my place. One day, I’ll be home.

The Reality of it All

Reality is not a friend of mine lately. There are some things that I wish I could change. Things that I am not ready to come to terms with just yet. Having to face where I am at with my Nana instead of only seeing what I want is a hard pill to swallow. I am sitting here doing homework and I can hear her talking in her sleep. Today she kept forgetting that I had already given her medicine and she thought I had fed her breakfast when we were just getting up for our day. I am praying to God that this is all from her medicines and when she can stop taking them that I will get my Nana back. It is torture to see the woman I have idolized my whole life not be strongest member of my family. I feel guilty and torn as I transition into that position. I knew one day it would come, but, that was one day… like far off, in a million years, not now.

Miah and I had another good conversation. I swear this kid is wise beyond his years. He is missing his brother something fierce. There is a hole and he just wants it fill. I had to explain that he can’t fill that hole with someone else. It doesn’t work that way. I pray that something will work itself out where he can communicate with his brother again and the hole can be filled but, if not, then it will remain a hole because that is dedicated to his brother. I told him that if he wants to connect with someone else, then they deserve their own place in his life, his heart. I told him that our family has a habit of trying to fill someone’s hole with someone else and it just doesn’t work that way. I said that I know no one can fill the holes of our missing pieces nor do I want to add any more pieces to what I have. Thankfully, he said he understood.

Then we got into a heavier conversation about him making a big move. One I do not want to happen but have to support. One that I was going to be able to take a backseat to because someone else was going to lead this mission. But, Miah has questions and his anger is building up and sooner than later he is going to do something about it. I will support my son no matter what, that’s not even a question, it is just, if he gets hurt in the process, the momma bear in me is going to come out. A version of me I have never seen before. It will be like someone hit the red button you see on television, the one they tell you not to push. This is where my faith comes in to play. I have to believe that God is watching over us and is not going to allow Miah to experience pain that he does not need. I know what he is going through though and I don’t blame him for the thoughts that run through his head.

When tough stuff came my way, I chose to bury my head and wait for it to go away or get so big that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I don’t bury my head anymore and I am mentally able to deal with things better but, I still don’t like how things play out some times. My Nana is supposed to live forever and my boys are supposed to be Thing 1 and Thing 2, to be together and have each other’s backs until the end of time. My boy isn’t supposed to think that he is forgettable to someone that should never forget him. Reality can be harsh. I know that if we can get through the harsh moments, if we deal with it instead of putting it off, then when the good moments come, we can enjoy them a bit better. Life sure isn’t the way I think it should be and yet, I somehow keep finding ways to roll with the punches.

Speaking of reality, this week I start my 8th week of this semester which means I am halfway through. I can’t believe I am here. I can’t believe I still have all As and that the light is shining brightly at the end of the tunnel. As the finish line nears, my attention has turned to wonder who all will be there to greet me when I arrive? Big decisions are heading my way. When I’ve conquered one obstacle, it seems like another wave is on the horizon, and I’m unsure if I will be able to ride it or if it will take me under. Faith over fear, Stephie.

Ascending

Sometimes in life the things you want to do and the things you know need to be done do not coincide. I like to control things, I like to know the outcome, I prefer to have a sense of power over what is to come. But, life doesn’t work that way, it is not the way God intended it. He holds the power, He is ultimately in control and He is always there to remind us if we forget.

There is something I want to do so badly. Something I’ve done before, on numerous occasions unfortunately. Something to restore what I’m desperately missing in my life. Yet, I can’t do it. I cannot do it this time. See, I’ve broken my old patterns, I’ve released behaviors that did not serve a greater purpose and I’ve established a higher sense of self, of my worth. Although what I want to do is familiar territory, it no longer serves me, it is not in my best interest, it would be at most a bandaid when what is required is total healing.

Patience is the answer. Allowing God to do His work in His timing. I have and continue to receive signs acknowledging my progress and that things are working for my favor…even if at times they don’t feel in my favor. It is my responsibility to control myself, to ignore urges and temporary fixes for they are not Godly. He is aligning my forever and any rush to the finish line negates my faith in Him. I’ve waited this long, what’s a little longer at this point?

I am still dreaming and hoping and praying like crazy. My dreams show me what the future holds… or at least the version I envision. Knowing that I’ve leveled up, that I can’t turn back, that I can’t unlearn what I’ve learned is not easy. But, the life I’m working toward, my family deserves what is ahead of us, to be healed and whole and aligned with what is meant for us. It is this that holds me steady, prevents me from putting unnecessary wrinkles in the water that could slow down or change the direction we are heading in.

I know I’ve been all over the place, I blame the Gemini in me. Also, raising a Nana is hard. Haha… but, by the Grace of God, I am managing it and doing what must be done. I am grateful that I’ve not had to sacrifice my core values. I am real and honest and loyal. My family comes first in everything I do (me included) and my boys are on my mind and in my heart every second of every day. I may not be able to control aspects of my life but, I am responsible for the person I am. I leave it all on the table and know I am one of a kind. I may have risen but, I’m continuing to rise. Always keeping that student mentality and being open to the possibilities that lay ahead.