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Desperately Seeking Stephie

Hi, I’m Stephanie, I am 38 years old, a mom to my 15 year old son and our pretty pitty Princess, Raiyhn. Our family shrunk by half this year, and with that loss, I lost the last piece of what was holding my fragile self together. I had everything I had ever wanted but I sought my happiness through my family instead of looking within. As the saying goes, you need to love yourself before you can fully accept the love from another. That’s not the case anymore, I fill my own cup, I slay my own dragons, I got up, fixed my crown and am making strides to not allow the loss to define me.

I have been toying around with the idea of this page for a long time. But, my now ex fiancé, he’s the guy that’s got it all, the looks, the smarts, the way with words, when he speaks, people are compelled to listen and if they don’t, they are idiots because he has a way of saying exactly what you need to hear even if you don’t want to hear it. People deserve to hear his take on life, and I wanted to support him as he shared his gifts with the world. I had thought that me having my own page would somehow detract from his, if and when I convinced him to start one so, I hesitated.

Recently, he called it quits, and while we have split before, this time, I couldn’t fight for us like I usually did. I didn’t have the strength. I didn’t think I was worthy of him, of anything, of even being alive. So, I knew that I needed to fix me, to find me, first for me, Jeremiah and Raiyhn, my little fam but also if I ever had a chance to get the rest of our family back. I had already signed up for the page and been playing with some blogs but, I took the leap, I did everything I needed to to get this site up and running and pushed publish on my first blog. I have written one every day since. Some are short because I just couldn’t that day and others run on like they are never going to end. But, this is my life, my story and I write what I feel and I do not double check for spelling or errors so that I don’t edit what I’ve written.

I am quickly approaching 200 posts now and I have worked through many emotions. I went from nothing to everything. I have been trying to marry the woman I am with the woman I have always wanted to be and recently, I’ve done it! I love the woman staring back at me in the mirror, she inspires me, she encourages me, she is with me no matter what the day brings. I know there will never be an ending to this journey, I will always be growing and evolving and I take pleasure in that, to know that I will never allow myself to be satisfied standing still. I hate doing things alone and this, I have done by myself, for myself. I wish it could have been different but, I know one day it will be. Some day I will walk this journey with a partner but, I found the person and lost him so, I’m not interested in another partner anymore. I’m learning how to do this alone. It’s not easy but, for now, it’s what I want.

I can promise to disappoint you and probably infuriate you but, if you give me some time, you might be able to relate and understand where I am coming from. I’m a complicated person but, I’m worth getting to know.

Happy, sad, good or bad, near or far, I’ll always love you!

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