As you know, life for me is in transition. There are many moving parts working simultaneously in my favor so that my family can lead the life we deserve. Constantly working through who and how I was to understand a way to repair what was damaged or ultimately forgive me and others is not an easy task.
One thing I do know is that when we carry burdens with us, we are only making our load heavier than it is intended. I’ve been trying to explain to Miah and Charlie that parents aren’t perfect. We do our best, for some it is enough and for others, well, they’ll never get it. Our parents shortcomings are not our own. While some of us will live a lifetime trying to overcome their childhood, I choose to remember the good and leave the rest. For too long I held on to things that served no good purpose.
I keep thinking about how I’ve changed, how it has and will effect me, my relationships, my work ethic, etc. I think back to what really had a hold on shaping me and I hate that it is the bad experiences that overwhelm the good. A few awful moments can spoil everything. In doing so, I gave more power than what was deserved. I’ve since taken back that power. I truly am more comfortable in my body than I’ve been in years.
Sometimes I wish life came with a manual or I could read the book of my life to know what happens next. Then I get this tingling sensation and an overwhelming peace comes over me because I know we are going to be alright. I may spend too much time trying to figure out what that looks like but, it is only because I’m a planner.
It isn’t easy releasing your burdens, especially when you’ve grown accustomed to carrying them with you all the time. The wright off your shoulders offers an unimaginable relief and it makes your heart not feel so torn. I am not defined by my past. I admit, it did shape me, but, I have time to make bold choices, healthy choices that can and will ultimately define the woman that I am. Growing into my power, accepting all this change is exhausting then I look in the mirror and remember, I love this woman and that is reason enough to continue.
I am loved by amazing mens… their love is proof that I’m on the right track. Beyond what I am doing for me, as long as they’re proud of me, well, I’ve already won. I don’t need a fancy car or jewelry, I only need them. I had to let go of the parts of my past that didn’t serve me so that I could fully appreciate and have room for all the love we share. Even when I was broken they loved me more than anyone else in this world. I’m not broken anymore and they deserve all I’ve got.
I overthought too much and let things hurt me way too long. But, with prayer and a whole lot of me time, I worked some stuff out. My heart is lighter and my soul is happy. I give it to God and trust He will sort it all out. For now, I remain steadfast and patient and experience life as it comes. What’s meant for me will find a way….