Feeling the Pressure

You would think after the year that I’ve had, at some point there would be a reprieve. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be complaining, this year has brought so much positivity instead of the darkness that I had grown accustom to that perhaps it is considered one. I am in no way complaining, just stating an observation as I sit here and run through everything that is racing around in my mind.

I have quite a bit of schoolwork to accomplish tomorrow, including a two-page report for my Argumentation class. I still have to figure out who I am going to do my commemoration speech on as the thesis is due tomorrow as well. I want to choose someone that inspires me and that is not just inspiring as a whole. I have someone in mind that I would love to speak on but, I think that may have to be a personal project.

Things are getting more real each day. The clock is ticking down for some big decisions I have to make and unfortunately I do not have access to all of the information I need to make an informed decision. I don’t want to act in haste nor do I want to miss out on an opportunity that I am not sure I will have the time or passion to act on again in the near future. I truly understand how much of an impact every decision I make has on my family’s life and what I am working to establish for us. I know in my heart, that there is no right or wrong answer, I have to do what I think is best, what I can commit to and it will all work itself out. Faith over fear after all.

Being responsible for my Nana is not an easy task. She is stubborn and independent, two descriptions she has earned. I understand that it feels like I am aging her, limiting her capabilities but I have to keep explaining that if she slowly recovers then she will be fully recovered sooner than if she rushes and reinjures herself forcing us to start back at the beginning. I am doing my best and I pray on it every day. I feel the duties of this and sometimes I just need someone to talk to.

I’ve already told my family that once Nana is better, I see a vacation in my future. We are going to get away for a few days and be worry free. No alarms for meds or having to roll a cart that we put her meds on into her room because I am in charge of them. I don’t mind it, I would do anything for my Nana, it is the worry if I let something slip, if I am not on my A game and something were to happen to her. It is exhausting. Just going to grab fast food now is a treat but there is also a rush to get back to her so that I know that she is good.

I keep telling Miah that things are going to be very different soon. We are going to have a place of our own and we are going to travel and just be happy. We won’t have to follow anyone else’s rules or tip toe around. We can be free to be us and live. Simple is the way to be. Oh man, I can’t wait to dance around in my room. To have all of my family pictures back up in the living room and decorate the house up. Oh, oh and to cook in my own kitchen. All of the things I took for granted before and I vow never to do again. To wake up and make my family breakfast, to hear laughter and silliness, to sleep in my bed. To love and be loved.

I know me looking to the future sounds like I am waiting to live my life again but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I live it each day. I am grateful every morning that I have been given another day. I accept where I currently am at and understand that it is in this situation that I am able to pursue my education in the manner that I have. I have complete faith that what is meant for me is on the horizon and I only need to keep my focus and never doubt God’s plan. I try to bring hope and happy thoughts to those I love and maybe even a little Stephie magic. Nothing but good radiates through me. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine…

This above all to thine own self be true. We can run our whole lives and never be able to outrun ourselves. When we stop and face ourselves, we allow the work to begin. It is then that we realize that we aren’t the enemy, no matter how convinced we were otherwise. It is our duty to love ourselves and that shadow you’re running from, it only wants to love you. Embrace it, embrace yourself and you’ll learn to love yourself the way you are meant to. Look at me, I never thought it possible and I’ve never felt more authentically me. Just sayin. xo

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