Good Grief

Do the storms ever stop? No. But neither do the rainbows. I heard this on a show I watched with the Nana today. It struck a chord. We are never going to be able to escape bad but, typically, after a time, things get better and we forget about the bad until it appears again. So, when we are blindsided by something negative, we have to keep the faith knowing that the sun will shine again soon.

Life is different now that my friend is gone. I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. We didn’t talk frequently but, I always knew he was somewhere in the world and if I needed him, truly needed him, he would be there. It is crazy that now is when I need him, I need him to tell me this isn’t true and I can’t call him. I’m so angry about that. I never asked him for anything, I never called in a favor, but, I want to now. Damn him.

I used the day to rest up and binge watch shows with the Nana. Yesterday took so much out of me. I woke up feeling like I had gotten hit by a car. My whole body hurt. Faking a smile and forcing myself to record my speech when I was holding back tears was very difficult. It had to be done, mom kept reminding me that he wouldn’t have wanted me to jeopardize my schooling. I’m not that impressed with my speech but, my professor had mostly good comments. I decided not to share with her what was going on. Life happens and I don’t want to make excuses.

We all make decisions, some as simple as turning on a light to see or choosing which pair of pants to wear but sometimes it is more complicated like spending time with your family or partying with friends. You make the choice and even though excuses may get you off the hook, you still deliberately chose one thing over another. I have made many mistakes in my life, made some bad choices but, I’ve always chosen my family over everything and everyone, myself included. While I now understand I am part of that family and must choose me as well, I’ll never put anything above them.

The way I think is different now. What I will and will not tolerate is as well. I’ve learned to set boundaries as well as expectations. I will not be lied to or made to look a fool. I will not make excuses for inexcusable things. I’m not sure if the improved me will have more people like me or less and frankly, I don’t care. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest or gain the approval of others. I am simply living my truth. There is freedom in that! I choose to be blessed and hopefully a blessing to others.

My boys are and will always be my inspiration. They are two halves of my heart and so much Ying and Yang ☯️…somehow they both drive me crazy but I love them completely. If you ever doubt God, He knew what he was doing when He brought those two together and blessed me with them. We fit together, like puzzle pieces. All I have done for me, has been to be the best I can for them, to offer them the best in life that they deserve. I know that as long as my intentions are pure and I continue with love in my heart, He will ensure my boys live the lives I dream for them.

I have wanted to quit on school lately with Nana being sick and the other things I am dealing with. My friend’s passing, it pierced my heart. But I can feel him urging me forward. I just feel the need for a new tattoo… I need it to hurt so good. It’s like life, it hurts but it feels good and we can’t stop it. My dear friend, he loved life, he loved people and exuded good vibes. He was a hippie at heart…even had dreadlocks at one point in his life. Now I just want to share goodness with others too. As for school, I’m digging in my heels. 6 or 7 more weeks before this semester is over. No giving up now.

Still something is missing in my life. I’ll continue to pray that it will work itself out. I’ll never give up. Let go and let God, Stephie xo

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