Fake Smile

I had schoolwork today, I had to record my video. Was it the best? No. It took way longer than it should have. My head and heart weren’t in it. All I wanted to do was cry. I cried earlier and had to touch up my makeup. I felt like I was not honoring my friend by having to be peppy and all dressed up. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. My body aches. Nothing feels the same. We would go forever without talking to each other but just knowing he was out there and if I needed him, he was a call or text away… now that’s gone. It feels unreal. I can’t wrap my head around it.

I am so mad at him for putting his walls up and keeping us apart. I hate what substance abuse can do to a person. I just want to reach out to him, I want to hear him gush about his son.

I was feeling super low when I got a call from Miah with some great news. To say that this kid is happy as a claim is an understatement. I am so very happy for him and that something he has been wanting worked in his favor. My heart is happy about that….

I don’t even know what to say. Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I could be held and told everything is going to be okay. What I would give…. instead I sit here alone in the silence and a sinking feeling. I’m having a hard time breathing. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time and now I find myself fighting one off. Again, without the help of who I need. I gotta go…. I can’t right now.

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