I Don’t Know How to Say Goodbye

I lost someone, they said he passed yesterday. He was more than a friend, he was my confidante. No matter how much time lapsed from talking, we always picked right back up. Of course we’d have to catch up with who was new in our life and how much Miah has grown or when he finally became a dad. He would have done whatever I asked of him without question. He was the type of friend that would help me hide a body or just listen to me go on and on about how I thought I was failing at the whole mom thing and he would confidently tell me I’m the best mom he knows and how lucky my son is. He always greeted me with “hello beautiful” and ended our conversation with “have a blessed day”.

In recent years we had grown farther apart than we had ever been. I reached out when my world was falling apart and it seems his was too. He had just gotten a horrible health diagnosis and was spiraling downward too fast for me to catch him. The cheery positive man I knew was nowhere to be found. Almost 30 years of friendship and he was pushing me away because he couldn’t lie to me and I didn’t sugarcoat shit with him. We were real with each other always. I kept trying to reach out and was met with silence or opposition until two months ago when I received an apology and what seemed like my friend back. He was still sick but willing to seek help for his other issues for the sake of his son. I contacted him a few days later and never heard back. Caught up in everything with my Nana, I’ve been distracted. I thought of him yesterday and now maybe it is because he was with me at that moment, having already left this Earth.

My brother told me over Messenger and I’ve been a crying mess all day. I am numb and mad and in disbelief. I actually started to text him to tell me this isn’t true but stopped myself before I hit send. The people in his life they only took from him, used him and tossed him aside until he was needed again and now they are all distraught. I hate this for him. I hate that his son will not know how wonderful his father was. That yes, he made mistakes and fought many demons and he may not always show up but he always did when you needed him. He was loyal and kind and just a kid that was trying to find where he belonged.

We both took turns in life having a crush on each other but then we became adults and we ended up so much more than that. We were kindred souls, forever friends and this just sucks. He has seen me through heartache and all the things that have gone wrong in my life. He never tried to rescue me from it, only gave me patience and understanding as I worked through it on my own. He knew that I always faded away but we would catch up eventually.

I don’t know what life will be like knowing I can’t randomly text him ever again. That he left this Earth not the man he wanted to be… his demons had too strong a hold on him. I thank God that it was his health that took him while he slept instead of his vices. I find comfort in the fact that he can now always be with his son and that he is no longer suffering. This doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe that if his family holds a funeral, the next and last time I will see will be in a casket. It has been probably almost 10 years since we’ve seen each other… God, why did I wait so long?

It really makes me think about who I want in my life and what am I doing about it. We don’t have time to wait or else we run the risk of it being too late. Make sure your people know how much they mean to you. Show up, even if they push you away, show up and if you’re the one pushing…stop. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I don’t even know how to. My friend, I thank you for being such a big part of who I am. Thank you for being someone I could count on for anything. Your friendship meant so much to me and I pray I have the opportunity to share stories of you with Jack Jack one day. Rest in peace…. be blessed. ♡

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