To be or not to be…

I am struggling, I mean really struggling with my speech. It is due in two days. I haven’t finished writing it which means of course, I haven’t practiced it. Trying to tick all of the boxes off the list I was given does not give me the freedom to write or speak how I do. Having to cite a kajillion sources and create a outline with each point as only one sentence. This isn’t fun. Tomorrow I think I may just write what I want and go with it. I don’t need an A on this speech, I don’t need an A in the class. A C will do. But, the thought of me caving, makes me want to drop the class and forget it all. I can’t do that.

I can’t sacrifice who I am to benefit someone else. Especially if that someone else is a professor. We all have our own way of doing things, and unless there is a particular process necessary to get us from A to B, it shouldn’t really matter how we get there as long as we do. I had this issue with my Government professor last semester and it appears to be my Speech professor this semester. I mean, she is amazingly supportive but, there are so many rules that I find more confining than required. My creativity doesn’t seemed to be welcomed.

My mom told me I needed to do what was being asked of me. I am unable to oblige. I’ll take the hit and write something worthy of me presenting. I am not trying to be disobedient, I have learned that I have to be true to myself though. That is a must for me now. I have to be proud of the work I do. Speaking of that, this flows in to all areas of my life. What I dedicate my time and energy to, it is what I believe in, what I’m willing to fight for.

We did a food run this evening. My Uncle and my boy wanted Popeyes. We took Raiyhn for the ride. It was nice to be silly and sing to music and enjoy the time. The sky on the way back, it was serene. The clouds were white with the blue sky above them and hints of pink below and the mountains right under that. It was a breathtaking sight. I felt so calm and at peace. I found it difficult to drive because I just wanted to take in all of what was in front of me. Closing my eyes now, I can still picture it. Just beautiful.

I try to live simply. To focus on what matters and push the rest aside. I wasted too much time worrying and it got me nowhere. Now I give all that to God and work on what I have the ability to control. As I consider my next career move, I fear being boxed in by rules and regulations that do not give me the opportunity to find my way. I pray that’s not the case. Take each day as it comes I suppose.

I’m not sure where taking this stance on my speech is going to get me except for me being true to myself. It is the best I can do and the only thing that feels right. I hope that my professor understands and doesn’t grade me too harshly. Let’s see what magic i can make happen.

Do what feels right to you…notice I didn’t say what feels good. Good and right may not go hand in hand. Can you look at yourself in the mirror? Are you proud of who is staring back at you? Are you living in a manner that makes you feel more you? Stop being who you’re expected to be and be who you are meant to be. Not sure? When you’re living authentically, you’ll know it. You won’t be bothered by judgements and your gut should not feel like it is doing somersaults. You’ll feel more at peace, teaching you how you should feel for future decisions. Be true to you and everything else will work itself out.

Now back to this speech….

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