Lost and Low on Hope

I know all too well what it feels like to get knocked down again and doubt if you have the strength to pick yourself back up. I’ve done it so many times. Add depression into normal life circumstances and things become even tougher. I’ve stayed down longer than I should sometimes, conserving my energy because I knew the climb up was going to be harder than I’ve ever experienced. But, it’s in that unwillingness to admit defeat spirit that I have always been able to dig my way out of the darkness, regardless of how tight of a grip it has had on me.

I refuse to have a victim mentality and don’t really accept it from anyone else. Yes, bad things happen, sometimes shit doesn’t go our way. That is life. How are you going to choose to react to it? You’re just going to give in? Wallow in self pity? Let all the naysayers have their way? I will not allow another’s opinion of me define me. I will always get back up and find a way to keep going. God never gives us more than we can handle, we have to be willing to roll with the punches.

I know that hope is hard to come by and that the darkness tries to consume the light. The world is a mess and it is easier to go with the flow than go against the grain. But, being a follower, making stupid, selfish and irresponsible decisions, well, that doesn’t look good on anyone. Everyone is your friend when you’re having a good time, when life seems easy but, who is there when the going gets tough? Who can you count on when you’re wandering around aimlessly in the dark? To lift you up off the ground and support you in your times of need? Those gems are rare.

Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. I can give you excuses… so many as to why I should be able to lay in bed and never get up. I don’t have the luxury because I have children depending on me…looking to me for guidance and love and to set an example. Boys that I have to show how to treat a woman and set the standard for their standards and girls that need to see a kick ass Auntie and know that woman are powerful beings. Even in my worst day, I chose to keep it together for their sake.

Drowning in sorrow is not my cup of tea. Turning can’ts into cans…well, that I can work with. I’m all about breaking habits and being my authentic self. It is frustrating especially at a time like this when people are dying because of a virus and so many others are frivolously living their lives. I think it’s a slap in the face to those that have gone. Be respectful of the life God has given you, live each day to the fullest. Not foolishly but by being the best you possible. We make mistakes but, I’ve learned that God rewards effort. If you don’t feel that God is on your side at the moment, chances are, you’re not doing your part. What a shame that is.

This day took a lot out of me. I’ve been lacking the motivation to do my schoolwork and just feeling like my own worst enemy. I find a way to give little pushes forward but I also know that I have to be patient. As long as I can remain a priority regardless of what other issues I am facing, God will find a way to guide me to what needs to be done. Talk to Him, He can help you too. Well, I have a speech due in 3 days and it isn’t even written. I need to clear my head and get back in the game. I’ve just been reminded lately that not everyone is as strong as I have been and I want to say it is possible. You just have to believe in yourself. Anyways, we are still having a hard time with Nana and my focus isn’t where it should be. Sorry I am all over the place. Have a good evening.

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