This marks the anniversary of the hardest day of my life. It started off great, waking up to my Honey leaving for work and my little nestled into the side of me and one of my pups at my feet. I helped wash dishes as my mother in law made homemade tortillas and we had one of the best talks we had ever had. But, after an argument, I left the house. I didn’t know then that it was for the last time.
You think back at all of the things you would have done differently… my last kiss, I would have kissed him a little longer that morning, my little, when his mom picked him up, I said goodbye, I should have hugged him too. My pup, oh, I should have loved on him before I left. But more so, I wish it had never happened at all.
Then, I think about who I am today. I was struggling internally with myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of all my wishes coming true. I had an amazing family, my Honey and our boys, they completed our family but then we had our two awesome pups, we were planning our wedding, and I was blessed to have a man that wanted to be involved in all the details. I had stopped working and we were trying to have a baby. I mean, everything that I have ever wanted was coming true and yet, when I looked in the mirror, I hated the person staring back at me. I can’t even repeat the awful things I used to tell myself when I looked in the mirror. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I try to comprehend why but, I think it is because I blamed myself harshly for everything bad that befell me. Especially one thing that I did and didn’t believe in. I blamed and punished myself.
So, even though externally, life was what dreams were made of but internally, I was a mess. I didn’t have what it took to fight for my family the way I always did and it fell apart. I had to learn to fight for myself in order to be who they deserved, so that we could fully enjoy the life God planned for us. It has not been an easy road and I’ve wanted to give up more than once, even recently. Then I think of them and I find my strength, they are my purpose.
I thought I would be a crying mess all day. Because, honestly, I thought my family would be reunited by now. I have no expectations though, only my hope and faith. God doesn’t go by my timeline and I know he is working in our favor. There is still healing and growth taking place every second. We are being faced with challenges and opportunities to be better and do better. While, I have been very anxious all day, I have not cried. I am steadfast in my faith and what I know is true. I’m allowing God to carry me through this.
We are human and we will make mistakes. We have to learn to forgive ourselves as we forgive others. We have to look within for answers that we think are eluding us. We have to trust our instincts and take a bold leap of faith towards good even when we are scared. When we are used to bad things happening, it is hard to trust the good but, it does exist and we do deserve it. Facing our demons and letting go of the past is difficult and somehow not impossible. Carrying unnecessary baggage only slows down our progress. No sweeping stuff under the rug, let us be the ones to pull the rug up and get to cleaning. Proactive instead of reactive.
I’ve learned a lot. The most important is to listen to the universe. Wake up grateful for a new day and go to sleep blessed that you lived through it. Our minds are a powerful thing. We must learn to trust in ourselves and not rely on the opinions of others. Sometimes the people that are in our corner turn out to not have our best interests in mind. They are the ones releasing snakes into our garden. Remember the old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Don’t confuse that you may be someone’s close enemy and you’ve given them the keys to your kingdom. Stand up for yourself. Be authentically you. Those that love you for you, they will praise you for it. I learned that with my mom. I am unapologetically me and I finally got the respect I craved. It is possible.
Anything worth having is worth the risk. We need to always have a student mentality. Be willing to forgive and be forgiven. Learn from your mistakes but never be afraid to make them. Mistakes mean you’re trying and I rather try and fail than sit on the sidelines. Choose you. Choose life. Choose love. Fight for what you want and never, ever give up.
I’m about to embark on the fight of my life. I am strong and bold and confident and I’m not going to back down. I am a good woman. I am a worthy woman. I am a deserving woman. I am ready…here I come!