In Control

As my life seems to be in a whirlwind, I somehow got caught up in it. I lost my grounding and felt as if I was spiraling out of control. I think with all the pressure I am under, I allowed myself to spiral a bit longer than I should have… toying with the idea of just giving in and admitting defeat. Last night I was crushed. I can handle being messed with, things not going my way, but, mess with my kids and I see red.

This morning my mom took over helping my Nana and let me get some much needed rest. I woke up with my eyes so puffy and felt like I got hit by a truck. I sat at the kitchen table and knew I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on all of my hard work. I chose to release what is out of my control. I imagined the weight being lifted off my shoulders. I exhaled the negative and inhaled the positive and gave it to God.

As long as I keep on this path, in two months from today, I will have completed a goal of mine that is 20 years in the making. I can’t believe I can begin the countdown. I am so humbly honored to been given this opportunity. To solidify my position, I took my last midterm and aced it. There is still so much ahead of me but, I think my head is in the right place to make it to the finish line. My focus needs more focus. Lol

Some things tried to test me today. I am being pulled to revert to my old ways. To act out of ego instead of patience and understanding. I don’t ever want to give people all I have, I want to give them the best of me. Why settle for a piece when I am capable of providing the whole thing? I will admit, my head is still fuzzy. Lots is rushing through my mind and yet I feel unburdened. I know that whatever is meant to be will happen regardless if I fret or not. So, why fret?

This is a big week, I’m on Spring Break but have to work on my informative speech, Miah starts hybrid learning, Nana has a doctor appointment and so much more. I’m not looking ahead, instead focusing on tackling one thing at a time. There is no need to rush. Learning to stop and breathe is very important. I’m listening to my body. I’m working through emotions and issues and giving myself grace through it all.

I am proud with myself. I don’t know how I pulled myself from the darkness. Usually it takes me under and the fight to break free is months long. As I sit here writing this, I am not the mess that I was last night. Life is give and take. The balance is something we work towards for all of it. Understanding that things change, what we need and want, what we think and feel, as we evolve, the balance of things change. We are always working to find it. The trick is to not let it consume you. If you can make yourself a priority, find a peace within you, nature has a way of balancing things out for you without you noticing.

I am very blessed for my life. All the ups and downs, all the good and bad, every piece of it, has shaped me into the woman that I am. The woman that is perfectly imperfect and madly in love with herself and the life she continues to fight for. I love some incredible beings and pups and I am so much more than anyone gives me credit for. God created me. He gifted me with a uniqueness that is too much for some. It helps me weed out the weak. I may not have it all figured out but, I am stronger and more confident in myself this evening.

These next days will bring many memories. I am sending good vibes and lots of love and healing to all involved, myself included. I may be broken but, I am beautiful! I will never be counted out. I am a force of nature. By the grace of God, I will get through this and not have to sacrifice who I am in the process.

A piece of advice, love on those you love because it might not be a luxury you have forever. Breathe in their scent, memorize every birthmark, scar, wrinkle, run your fingers through their hair, listen to their heartbeat while you lay on their chest…. these are the things you’ll cherish more than gold, I promise you. Happy, sad, good, bad, near or far….

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