I sit here pondering and talking to God, attempting to make sense of what makes no sense. Feeling deflated and frustrated from the things that are out of my control. I have become a master juggler and stupidly, assumed that the success of me taking on this much meant I’d have a say in some aspects of my life and yet things take shape and resemble nothing of what I had planned. I want to throw my hands up, drop all of the balls and take a mini vacation. I need some control over what’s happening here. And yet, that need is exactly why I’m going through this. I still haven’t fully given in and let go so I can be guided through these dangerous waters.
I just know certain things. Not many but, there are a few. I believe in the power of my intuition. Along with that, I have obtained an incredible amount of patience. As I get over a hurdle, part of me wants to sprint the rest of the way. That’s when I’m reminded that I am not ready for what is ahead and that’s why I haven’t reached that part of my journey yet. The naysayers whisper to give it up and that I’m being stubborn but, I see it as being loyal to my intuition. To what God has put in my heart. I am not too blind to see where I’m at and what I still need to work on.
I wish that was enough to curb my desire for more. But, now that I am mentally healthier and know what I deserve, I am hungrier to get it. My brother and his family, they increased in size and they are making big moves. I am so happy and proud of them. They are proof that I can have everything I want. They inspire me to never give up on my happiness. Some think I might be jealous or trying to compare our lives. We are such different people, Ying and yang, the Gemini twins, but, we are both big on family. I want my family to be happy as well, in our own way. My brother has always grinded for what he wants, I waited for it to come to me. A page from his book and here I am, making my own shit happen.
I know there are people out there that don’t want my dreams to come true. Many jealous of what I am capable of. “Friends, family” betting against me. What’s mine, what is meant for me, is going to find me eventually, even if someone causes a detour. Same with you. It may be delayed which is a shame but, it can’t be prevented. I think people need to focus on themselves and leave me be. Miserable in your own life, relationships, have low expectations for people you’re meant to love and have only good intentions for. Well, good will prevail. I am a good person through and through.
I want to close my eyes and count to ten and when I open them, I want my family standing in front of me. Lord knows I’m strong and still somehow my heart is aching and these damn tears are hiding right behind my eyes. So much is on my shoulders with no relief in sight. Something has got to give. I know it just can’t be me.
Ride or Die… loyalty doesn’t lie.