She swings and it’s a hit… right out of the park. You can only hit the balls you swing at. I have now learned it is better to swing and miss, than hesitate and never know what could have been. Lately, I’ve hit every ball that has come my way, even the fast balls. Too many to count, I feel like I’m at the batting cages, one after another with no break. You see, thats where I get to show what I’m made of. Others would walk away, call it quits. I know what I’m swinging for, I know what this means to me and so, with weary arms, I take another swing, determined to get safely to home plate.
Too tired to function, I woke up and mastered this day. I had one class completed prior to lunch and another almost halfway there. I found the strength and concentration to buckle down and get work done. Nana was up or well, talking in her sleep almost all night so she was really tired today. That allowed me the time I needed to buckle down. Then I had to go shopping for the family this afternoon. Slowing down is hard to do, in a sense, it is okay since I don’t think I’d know what to do with myself.
I wish I could take you on a journey inside my head. So you could see all the light where darkness lingered for years. To feel the love I have for myself and that the hatred has been vanquished. All of the lessons I have learned, the wrongs I want to right, how more open I have become overall. I used to wake up dreading the day. Now, I thank God for blessing me with a new one…filled with opportunities. I am excited and anxious of what’s in front of me but it is better than being fearful.
I know there is no magic wand. I still take everything one step at a time. Being mindful of the signs and synchronicities all around me. I am not attempting to have all the answers or even pretending to do so. I work everything out as it comes to me with patience understanding. With the goal of always being the best me I can possibly be. Accepting my flaws as a place to grow from, knowing full well that who I’ve always been is not who I have to continue to be. We have the right, the ability and capability to change what we don’t like and be our authentic selves without worrying about what others think.
Gone are the days where I make excuses for others for not accepting me as I am. For praising those that accept me despite my flaws. I know loving me is not easy but, I don’t think that is a bad thing anymore. I am working on retraining my brain, turning the negatives into positives and finding my place. One day, I’ll be home.