Reality is not a friend of mine lately. There are some things that I wish I could change. Things that I am not ready to come to terms with just yet. Having to face where I am at with my Nana instead of only seeing what I want is a hard pill to swallow. I am sitting here doing homework and I can hear her talking in her sleep. Today she kept forgetting that I had already given her medicine and she thought I had fed her breakfast when we were just getting up for our day. I am praying to God that this is all from her medicines and when she can stop taking them that I will get my Nana back. It is torture to see the woman I have idolized my whole life not be strongest member of my family. I feel guilty and torn as I transition into that position. I knew one day it would come, but, that was one day… like far off, in a million years, not now.
Miah and I had another good conversation. I swear this kid is wise beyond his years. He is missing his brother something fierce. There is a hole and he just wants it fill. I had to explain that he can’t fill that hole with someone else. It doesn’t work that way. I pray that something will work itself out where he can communicate with his brother again and the hole can be filled but, if not, then it will remain a hole because that is dedicated to his brother. I told him that if he wants to connect with someone else, then they deserve their own place in his life, his heart. I told him that our family has a habit of trying to fill someone’s hole with someone else and it just doesn’t work that way. I said that I know no one can fill the holes of our missing pieces nor do I want to add any more pieces to what I have. Thankfully, he said he understood.
Then we got into a heavier conversation about him making a big move. One I do not want to happen but have to support. One that I was going to be able to take a backseat to because someone else was going to lead this mission. But, Miah has questions and his anger is building up and sooner than later he is going to do something about it. I will support my son no matter what, that’s not even a question, it is just, if he gets hurt in the process, the momma bear in me is going to come out. A version of me I have never seen before. It will be like someone hit the red button you see on television, the one they tell you not to push. This is where my faith comes in to play. I have to believe that God is watching over us and is not going to allow Miah to experience pain that he does not need. I know what he is going through though and I don’t blame him for the thoughts that run through his head.
When tough stuff came my way, I chose to bury my head and wait for it to go away or get so big that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I don’t bury my head anymore and I am mentally able to deal with things better but, I still don’t like how things play out some times. My Nana is supposed to live forever and my boys are supposed to be Thing 1 and Thing 2, to be together and have each other’s backs until the end of time. My boy isn’t supposed to think that he is forgettable to someone that should never forget him. Reality can be harsh. I know that if we can get through the harsh moments, if we deal with it instead of putting it off, then when the good moments come, we can enjoy them a bit better. Life sure isn’t the way I think it should be and yet, I somehow keep finding ways to roll with the punches.
Speaking of reality, this week I start my 8th week of this semester which means I am halfway through. I can’t believe I am here. I can’t believe I still have all As and that the light is shining brightly at the end of the tunnel. As the finish line nears, my attention has turned to wonder who all will be there to greet me when I arrive? Big decisions are heading my way. When I’ve conquered one obstacle, it seems like another wave is on the horizon, and I’m unsure if I will be able to ride it or if it will take me under. Faith over fear, Stephie.