Sometimes in life the things you want to do and the things you know need to be done do not coincide. I like to control things, I like to know the outcome, I prefer to have a sense of power over what is to come. But, life doesn’t work that way, it is not the way God intended it. He holds the power, He is ultimately in control and He is always there to remind us if we forget.
There is something I want to do so badly. Something I’ve done before, on numerous occasions unfortunately. Something to restore what I’m desperately missing in my life. Yet, I can’t do it. I cannot do it this time. See, I’ve broken my old patterns, I’ve released behaviors that did not serve a greater purpose and I’ve established a higher sense of self, of my worth. Although what I want to do is familiar territory, it no longer serves me, it is not in my best interest, it would be at most a bandaid when what is required is total healing.
Patience is the answer. Allowing God to do His work in His timing. I have and continue to receive signs acknowledging my progress and that things are working for my favor…even if at times they don’t feel in my favor. It is my responsibility to control myself, to ignore urges and temporary fixes for they are not Godly. He is aligning my forever and any rush to the finish line negates my faith in Him. I’ve waited this long, what’s a little longer at this point?
I am still dreaming and hoping and praying like crazy. My dreams show me what the future holds… or at least the version I envision. Knowing that I’ve leveled up, that I can’t turn back, that I can’t unlearn what I’ve learned is not easy. But, the life I’m working toward, my family deserves what is ahead of us, to be healed and whole and aligned with what is meant for us. It is this that holds me steady, prevents me from putting unnecessary wrinkles in the water that could slow down or change the direction we are heading in.
I know I’ve been all over the place, I blame the Gemini in me. Also, raising a Nana is hard. Haha… but, by the Grace of God, I am managing it and doing what must be done. I am grateful that I’ve not had to sacrifice my core values. I am real and honest and loyal. My family comes first in everything I do (me included) and my boys are on my mind and in my heart every second of every day. I may not be able to control aspects of my life but, I am responsible for the person I am. I leave it all on the table and know I am one of a kind. I may have risen but, I’m continuing to rise. Always keeping that student mentality and being open to the possibilities that lay ahead.