The Weight of it All

Last night, my Nana fell backwards into the shower when getting up from using the restroom. She did not take her walker into the restroom like she is supposed to nor did she ask for help as she is supposed to even though I was still awake doing schoolwork. I heard a loud crash and rushed in the restroom to see her with her legs up in the air unable to get herself up. I screamed for my mother to come assist me. It was an image that will remain with me forever. I didn’t know if she hurt herself worse, I was so angry with her. She said she wasn’t hurt except for she hit her head, I had to google signs of concussions at 1 o’clock in the morning. I know that she wants her independence and honestly, I am giving it to her, obviously more than I should have but, damn it, all I want is the most time with her. That is what we all want. She doesn’t understand that we are not bothered by her, she is not a burden, that we feel honored that we are able to give just a little back for all that she has done for us over the years. I sobbed, I couldn’t help it. All I could think of was having to explain to my son that something happened to his favorite person on this planet. I cried myself to sleep, when I was finally able to go to sleep at 2:30 am only to have to wake up 30 minutes later to give my Nana another dose of her medicine. We were up for almost an hour that time and the same kept happening throughout the day. We finally got some sleep after her 7am medicine but, that was interrupted with calls from my mom checking on Nana. We were zombies today to say the least.

Numerous conversations have been had with Nana to the point that I was called a bully. I took offense. I was able to get her out of the senior care facility because I had the motive and means to take care of her 24 hours a day unlike her nurses that needed to tend to other patients. I told her that she had to let me do this or we might find ourselves having to let her go back to a place like that. If she won’t listen to me, she will have to listen to someone. My mom spoke to her, my son, my Uncle, my brother, I hope she understands. By no means is she trying to be difficult, that’s the point, she doesn’t want to be a bother. She thinks if she can stand to walk to the bathroom well, then she is fine. But, it’s when the pain is too much and she gets weak or dizzy and we need to be there for a little support, that is what the walker, brace and wheelchair is for as well. I get it, please don’t think that I don’t. I know how strong and independent she is. I know that she was brought up on the mentality that if you make your bed, you lay in it but, she didn’t raise us that way. She raised us differently and now it is time that we are showing that, we are showing up for her in ways that she is not used to and finds uncomfortable. Mom had to explain that the faster we can get her healthy, the faster things can get back to normal and she can have the independence that she is used to. Although, from what I’ve seen, I don’t think things will ever be the same. I am going to have to start limiting things and I don’t want to but, I have to think about what is best for her and her safety. We want her to live forever and we won’t risk anymore unnecessary issues.

School is becoming difficult, not in the work but prioritizing it when Nana is more important, when Miah is more important. I know that I have to find a way, that God is testing me to see if I have truly learned my lesson but, this is so hard. I know how much I will be giving up if I don’t keep going. I want to. No one wants to see me quit on this. I just can’t not be the support that they need. I’m all they have. Everyone else has their own things going on. Miah is mine…. help is only intermittent. The same goes for Nana right now as well. Mom can only help here and there because she is working. The day in and day out, it is all up to me. I’ve been forgetting to eat and drink, to use the restroom, even if I’ve showered that day. By the grace of God, when I am able to focus on school, I am able to retain what I have learned. I have a huge speech coming up requiring loads of research and I am just worried if I am up for the task. I am confident I can pull a C out of the class but that isn’t my style. I go big or go home. I’ve been dancing around the idea of going home but, that’s me quitting. God doesn’t want me to quit anymore. So, I guess, I give it my all and if my all is only a C, well, I know that there are circumstances that factored into that and it will have to do.

Well, I’ve already spent enough time on this. It is back to my Public Speaking work… I still have both my other classes to work on as well. Most assignments are due tomorrow with the exception of the one I finished about half an hour ago. Time is of the essence. I can tell you, I am definitely learning what I am made of and I’ve not lost sight of how much I love this woman I have become. I am proud of her. No. Matter. What.

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