Tick tock, tick tock, the clock continues to tick. No matter what we say or do, time keeps passing us by and moments are lost forever. I’ve been sitting with my Nana the last few night and we watch shows until she goes to bed. I like those moments with her. Then today, I took my son for a haircut for pictures and took him and his girlfriend and best friend out to dinner. I liked watching them be silly together and enjoyed my ride home with him. He’s getting so big and yet, he has so much growing up to do. He’s a little lost at the moment, I’m doing my best as mom but, I’m not dad and he’s missing that connection. With the heaviness of my friend passing away and knowing the moments that she was robbed of, I am angered once again of the moments that I am being robbed of, that my family is being robbed of, moments that we can never get back. I know there is a purpose, it is just times like this that instead of seeing the purpose, I am hearing the tick tock of the clock and it is drowning out everything else.
Time is escaping me. The other day, when Miah and I went to go get Nana from the horrible facility, I don’t remember what we were talking about but I looked at my hands. I told him that when I was younger, I always dreamed of my wedding and of course the pictures. I wanted that traditional pose with the bride and groom’s hands with their wedding rings on. I looked at my hands again and said that they aren’t young hands anymore. Miah proceeded to tell me I am still young. I told him to look at his hands and then look at mine. I said that I was worried of ruining my wedding pictures when I was planning my wedding, because the groom’s hands are absolutely perfection and mine are far from it. But, I can’t turn back the clock, it tick tocks as I write. There are more gray hairs showing up in my hair and I wear them with pride but, they were never meant to be in wedding pictures. The wrinkles that want to appear on my face, there was no place for them either. Has that ticking clock timed me out? Have I truly wasted my time?
My wants are very simple and yet, I cannot control the free will of others. I continue to believe and walk in faith because this is what God put in my heart and who am I to question Him? This part of the journey is the loneliest. I’ve traveled alone before but that’s before I knew what my life was meant to look like, before I knew what true love was, before I was madly in love with three men and two pups. I hold my breath now, I feel guilty doing things without the other half. We did everything together. I have to keep pushing forward for Miah but, I don’t ever want my little to feel forgotten. We are ohana, and ohana means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. That little boy is more me than I can explain. My heart aches for him.
I’m off topic and now drowning in my emotions. The clock is ticking so loudly behind me. It’s taking away seconds that I can never get back. What am I missing in those seconds? What could I be doing? I could be laughing and cuddling and preparing for tomorrow because it is Thursday and in my family, it is when OUR week begins. But, here I sit, at this laptop, listening to the clock and my grandmother talk in her sleep. I’m witnessing her become less of who she has always been. I don’t want to be alone when I’m her age. I’m supposed to be sitting on a porch holding hands on land with pitbulls running all around living their best lives. I know I have to be strong. Everyone is counting on me to. It is what I am supposed to do.
Whatever, I’ve got to snap out of it. Tick tock says the clock….another second gone forever.
Make the most of your seconds.