I have big hopes that this wishy washy mood I am in can disappear sooner than later. I think things need to be dealt with first but I just don’t have the time. Tears keep welling up in my eyes but, I can’t stop for a moment to process everything because I am truly terrified that I may not be able to pick myself back up, regain my composure and keep going. I know that at some point, I am going to have to slow down and take the time to deal with everything, it is just not right now. I think that when I can get everything okay with my Nana and I am not having to argue with doctor’s offices, then I am going to treat myself to a little getaway.
Nana and I were watching our shows this evening and I started crying, just like I did after Grey’s Anatomy last night, I didn’t cry a lot, just a little, just enough to suck it up. I told her that the world is just yucky right now. It does not look or feel like it should and it is frustrating but then every once in a while, I see people do something good or see something beautiful and I get filled with hope, I remember why I love being on Earth, why I love being alive and what it is all about. It is harder to find these days and even harder to hold on to. That doesn’t stop me from praying or believing, it is just that seeing it, it makes me so happy. I have a renewed faith in all of the hardships that I have encountered, that there is a rainbow at the the end of it, that good will win over evil and that there are still people out there that have it right.
Less and less people take initiative these days, less treat others the way they want to be treated. The ridiculous stuff I have had to deal with on behalf of my grandmother, these people should be ashamed of themselves, how hard is it to put themselves in her shoes, or their family member’s? We do get some nice people and of course, when they hear what we are experiencing, they go above and beyond to try to make up for the bullshit we’ve had to go through. If everyone were just decent human beings, wow, what a different world this would be. I have an uphill battle and I know that things are going to get progressively harder as I have to advocate more on her behalf but, she is worth it and I will do what has to be done. So, if someone needs to be yelled at or called out for the incompetence of their office, then, so be it. My Nana may be older but she has people that care for her, family that is there for her, physically there to stand up for her, to make sure she is treated with dignity and respect and will fight her fight so she can rest.
Who I am is being tested, I feel like I am being attacked from all angles, fights I wasn’t prepared to fight and somehow, it is do or die. I was a different kind of tired today. My mom keep saying something and I was answering about a completely different topic. I burned myself making my Nana coffee this morning and then when cooking dinner this evening (that burn is way worse). Yet, here I am working on this, watching and hour and a half debate about if college athletes should be paid and trying to help my son finish some assignments he has for English and Spanish. So… another long night it is. I don’t know how I am still awake, but, I am, Nana just had meds at 11pm, I will be up at 3am and 7am for more and every 4 hours after that as I have for days now. I am here keeper and it is an honor I don’t take lightly.
I have hopes that better days are ahead of me.