The Mood I’m In

I feel a certain way but I can’t explain it. I’m going to try even though I don’t think I can do it justice.

I feel like every step forward has an equal and opposite step backward. I feel like the more I make sense of things, the less seems to make sense. I’m so scared to be touched because I’m afraid I’ll crumble to pieces yet my body is aching to be held. Like all my nerve endings are searching for a connection and exhausted by the search. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and yet no sound is coming out. I feel whole and broken, I am in love and heartbroken, my family is complete but we are missing pieces. I am stuck in a tiny house and I am lonely, I know what I want and it is somehow still all in the air.

I found out a co-worker passed away from cancer today. I broke down. She was a good woman. She had lived a hard life and always managed to see the silver lining. She was so supportive of me, us, our relationship, one of our biggest cheerleaders and so happy that we had each other. I loved her smile and how sincere she was. To see the picture her daughter posted of her really sick, it broke my heart. I am so sorry she is gone but thankful that she is not in pain.

My Nana and I got caught up on the Station 19 and Grey’s Anatomy episodes we missed last week. Of course someone died and I wasn’t ready for that. But, Glasses said something that got it. He said he pretended to be someone he wasn’t for so long, that he feels like he wasted all of the time that he had to be happy. I know exactly what he means. I was so happy with who I was surrounded with but I hated myself. I punished me every chance I got, deprived myself of things I wanted because I didn’t deserve them. But, I hurt the ones I loved in the process. They didn’t get the best of me. They didn’t get me being involved in things I should have because I punished myself to sit and be a spectator while I watched them have fun. Now, now that I am finally happy with myself, I don’t have them surrounding me. I can’t join in on the fun. So then part of me wonders what the point is.

Doing all this for my Nana is hard. She is stubborn. Being this involved shows me how much she forgets and that it is my time to be strong for her. But, two people in my life have ever been my rocks. Two. Have loved me when I didn’t make it easy and always saw the real me. I don’t want to be without my rocks. I know I can stand alone. I keep proving that. I am tired of having to prove myself and that I can do this alone. Isn’t it understood at this point? But, there’s no time for tears because if I have moments of weakness, there is no one guarding the gates, there is no one being strong. So, strong and stoic, steadfast I remain. Wipe away those tears and do what must be done.

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