I know that shortly we will be moving the clocks forward an hour. I wish I could move it a whole 24 hours. This day was great, I was surrounded by family, heard some amazing news and with my schoolwork done, I attempted to find calm in my chaos. I need more of that before tomorrow comes.
Tomorrow is my Valentine’s Day. Tomorrow I will be flooded with memories of what the past 6 years have held for me, meant to me and I have proven I can take punches so, at this point, when does this all become a sort of torture? I’m not living in a place of lack, I know I am not lacking… missing some pieces but not lacking. My dreams are getting harder to wake up from, not wanting the every day life I live in them to end when I awake.
Tomorrow is one more that I will find a way to push through. To know that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I am thankful that through my brother’s good fortune I have a physical reminder that what is meant for us is for us regardless of anything. What is meant for us cannot be taken away, cannot be given to someone else, it is for us and when it is time, we will have whatever it is. I am more certain of that this evening than ever. God is good all of the time.
I am going through trials and tribulations. I am learning the hard way that I have to keep choosing me. Its like touching a stove or being shocked when you get the answer wrong. I default to choosing others over me. For putting their wants and needs above mine. Not because they asked… I just willingly pause my growth to assist others, to be what they need. It doesn’t fit in to what I need to accomplish and so, the tests continue and I keep finding someone else to sacrifice myself for. God showed me again last night that if I won’t give up on me, He won’t either. That life is a give and take and if I’m set on being there for others, I have to work twice as hard to find a balance where I don’t lose myself in the shuffle. If it comes to that point, I have to choose me because, someone has to. Someone on this Earth has to choose Stephie whenever there is a choice and I should default to me. I should choose me and if someone else does, great but, I need to know, He needs to know that no matter what, I will choose me every time. When I do, then maybe someone else will too. I have to love myself the way I want to be loved. And, I finally do.
My words are not just words. I don’t have the time or energy to waste to write bullshit on these pages. What is written here pours from my heart and usually without a filter. I was ready to give up on me this last week. I would have had the perfect excuse with helping my Nana and I couldn’t do it. I love myself enough…finally…to keep showing up and because I did, I’m cheering even louder for myself. The fire inside is burning. The desire for more, for what’s mine has intensified. Tomorrow will be hard. I had planned to drive up to where my first date was and watch the sun go down but, I’ve got to take care of the Nana. I’ll allow myself whatever I need and not be hard on myself. Take the day as it comes I suppose.
Well, enough of that. Your girl isn’t giving up. I’m as dedicated to this as you are to this blog. Goodnight.