An Emotional Mess

It is no secret that my kryptonite is my family. You can do whatever you want to me but, my family is my weakness. I was reminded of that again today. After weeks of pain, I had to take my Nana to the ER because it was just too much. I had to wait hours in the car only to find out that she had a broken vertebrae and they needed to transfer her to another hospital to have surgery.

I had to fight off a panic attack. She has been in pain for weeks. Her doctor doesn’t go in the office during covid so she tele conferenced to try to diagnose. I am so over that stupid doctor. Then they drug their feet getting her clearance for a specialist and all of the tests to the specialist. Only to be told it was a fracture that would heal on its own. Now this! She has been in pain for 10 fucking weeks! 10!!! How much damage has been done because of this delayed diagnosis? What is the healing timeline? I can’t be there and have to rely on other people to take care of my Nana for the second time during this pandemic. I am so furious. And, my sweet Nana, all she cared about was how long I had been waiting in the car and that now I would have to drive home alone. She is so selfless and she needs me and I can’t be there like she fully deserves. I feel helpless and like I am doing her a disservice.

It is times like this that I realize how alone I am. I just want to grab my family and hold tight but, there are those that are not within my reach. Nothing is worth being without your family. Every moment is a blessing. It is not a given, it is not promised and we waste so many for the stupidest reasons. I will get through this. I will do what has to be done regardless of the circumstances. I will be her rock.

I am mad it took this long. I am mad that she gives so much to others but all she gets is excuses when she needs something. So much so that she doesn’t ask. Not me. I jump when she winces.

Anyways, I am really upset and just need to take a breath. Please say a prayer… she is our matriarch.

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