Maybe it is too much

Doubt is setting in. I am procrastinating on my schoolwork kind of like well if I get behind then I’ll have to quit and then I won’t fail. I keep trying to shake it but, I don’t want to fail. I know that it is worse not to try but, I am just so scared.

I don’t have anyone to talk to. My family tries but they don’t understand. They don’t understand what I’m doing in school, they don’t understand the career I want, they’ve never gone to college and definitely not in my situation. They support me all day but they can’t carry on a conversation and get what I am talking about. I am frustrated beyond measure… not at them. I am thankful for them.

I just don’t know. I have been stressing all day with a yucky feeling in my stomach and it seems so much easier just to give in. I know that I can’t. I know I have to keep going it is just that things are stacking up against me. This internet issue is beyond ridiculous. Last night I tried for an entire hour to pull up my school website to do my schoolwork and I couldn’t get it to load. Last week I had to watch videos and take notes from my phone, having to touch the screen every few seconds in between writing notes so that the screen wouldn’t lock. Do you understand how much more time that adds to my work? I took over 10 pages of notes that way.

Miah is having a hard time with the internet too, he can only log on to his school stuff through his phone which means he can’t do his work while in class. It just isn’t fair. It’s not a level playing field and while I’m used to it, I’m fucking tired of being at a disadvantage. We are keeping our distance because of covid so, I can’t just go over to anyone’s house… not that the list of options is long. My brother in law goes out all of the time so even though we are welcome anytime, we have to keep our distance. I don’t want to put in all this work for nothing.

Maybe I’m not ready for all if this. Maybe I’m only meant to have an administrative job. Shit keeps getting piled on and it is getting to be too much. I’m going to attempt to get some work done. If I quit now I don’t think I’ll ever go back. It will ruin a lot of things I have in motion but at this very second, I’m not sure I care.

Sorry, I’m not in a positive mood. I have hope still… it is just under a pile of crap today. Forgive me and I pray that tomorrow brings a fresh start.

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