I wonder if things will ever fully change. I know, I have come a long way from where I was and yet, somehow I catch me second guessing myself. Yesterday I got some pretty exciting news and I was shocked about it. I called my mom and she asked if I really had doubts it would happen because she didn’t. The answer is yes. I mean, in the back of my mind, I knew I did everything right and I mean I guess I knew it was going to happen but, I still doubted myself.
Looking at that instance, I’ve noticed I have been doing that a lot lately. I mean, I had to share the news… there was only one person I really wanted to tell and their confirmation would make it all true and mean it was really happening. But as the seconds turned into minutes turned into hours and no response, I felt like someone punched me in the gut and yet somehow, I checked my email without their response and it was still there. Saying the same thing. I did that. No one else, I did that and why can’t I accept it for what it is?
I have changed so much, I have grown so much and I noticed when I opened my laptop and saw my background picture that I snarled at me… I smiled big for the other three but not me. Then I start the bad self talk. Convincing myself that I’m not worthy of what I want because if I was I would have it. That I’m such a loser that I had what I always wanted and couldn’t hold onto it. That living with this emptiness is what I deserve. I have to stop myself and thankfully I do rather quickly. I get upset that after all this time it is easy for me to be the mean girl to myself. I do love me, I promise, it is just, I realize how much I let myself down. How I waited to be rescued for so long instead of doing it myself. Obviously, there is still some healing that needs to be done.
I want to be worthy of love. I miss the connection, the affection, the “we are in this together”. My dad says that I have to do what’s best for me and that’s what I am doing. I know what I want and I don’t want to settle. At this point, I don’t think I could if I tried. The thought of anything else makes me sick to my stomach. I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I know I’m not alone and there are lots of people in the same boat but, I’m not complete without my family. Who wants a shake without the whipped cream on top? Lol
I knew this road was going to be bumpy… I guess, I just didn’t expect to be traveling it alone for so long. The stretch of lonely road makes me doubt myself. I keep doing it in my schooling and now other areas of my life. I know this is all a test, seeing if I’ve truly learned from the lessons I’ve been taught. Thankfully, I have learned to give myself compassion as I do to others. I understand that there is a reason these thoughts and feelings come up and I also know that I don’t have to allow them to stay. I control Stephie, nothing else does.
I am worthy of all my heart desires. I’m just not sure if it is all worthy of me.