I can’t figure out what to say. I am reeling with excitement and hope and yet disappointment lingers. I set out to accomplish something, two somethings that I’ve been keeping hush hush, 1. Because there are certain things you need to keep guarded and 2. In case they didn’t come to pass. Now while both are contingent and something, I am still beyond excited and kind of amazed with myself. I was crying when I got the news and I’m still kind of on cloud 9.
I had a bad night. I didn’t fall asleep until 4 am and woke up 20 minutes later in a panic from a bad dream and thought my Nana was calling me because something was wrong. I couldn’t shake the yucky feeling and it has been with me all day. It is beyond me how much I crave the safety of someone’s arms, voice or even texts. Having that person you can turn to and they make everything better. While I have a few people that wouldn’t mind being that guy, it is not what I want.
I am working so hard to let go and let God that me having this feeling upsets me because I don’t want Him to think I doubt His abilities. I’ve been praying to get this feeling to go away. There are some unsettling things I am dealing with and my brain is scattering to find solutions. Plan A, B, C and so on with no time for chicken little moments. Nana reminded me I am only human and God understands that I can’t be perfect.
The more I grow the more I understand who I am meant to be. I’ve learned that although it is not easy, you must hold out for what suits you rather than a sure thing. When God is ready, He will give you glimpses of what He has in store for your future and when it is right, you’ll just now. Thankfully we recently had one of those moments and the light bulb went off in our heads. Now we know the direction we must take in that are of our lives. It makes perfect sense and it is what’s best for us.
The life I was growing, although it wasn’t the healthiest it could be, it was mine and I believed in it with my whole heart… I still do. So when it was uprooted last year and broken up, I saved as many pieces as I could and I replanted them, in a bigger pot hoping that if it grew back, it would be bigger and stronger. I took myself back to a seed and restarted. This seed is flourishing and I’m healthy as well. Looking at the world from a place of abundance, appreciation and respect. It is a beautiful thing.
Nothing is impossible, because I’m possible. I am proving it every damn day.