I am doing all I can to avoid my speech and all I am really doing is possibly setting myself up for failure. I mean, I wrote it almost a week ago and I haven’t looked at it since. I needs to be edited to the final version and then I must practice, practice, practice. I have to use the props exactly how my professor demonstrated and it has to be recorded and I think everyone in class is required to watch and critique as well as I have to do the same on theirs. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t like talking about myself. I don’t mind writing because I can say whatever comes to mind but a speech is structured and while I love structure in my life, not when it comes to my speech. I prefer to say what I want, when I want and how I want and sticking to three main points and not veering off topic or getting lost going off on a tangent, well, that’s not how I am. DAMN IT! I just thought about that as I wrote it. Is that why I am taking this class now? Here I am talking about not staying in the well, this is how I am and how I’ve always been and breaking free of that and this is an opportunity to do so. DAMN IT! This class is going to be so difficult for me, you don’t even understand. My whole life I have talked in circles, that’s how my mind works and that is how I speak. Having to stay on topic, use transitions, have an audience link and show my credibility while staying within a specific timeframe and being recorded. OH MY GOODNESS!
I think this is truly going to be a what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger kind of semester. She said that we can’t talk about things that will make us emotional or cry but, I am not an 18 year old kid that still believes rainbows and sunshine come out of my ass. I don’t have simple little, a paint brush represents my present because I recently started painting. I have gone through shit in my life and I am still going through it. I wish a paint brush or a hotel room key card could represent my life like the example we were given. Having to explain my past, present and future with the use of a prop is daunting. Then a bag that has to tie it all together, I mean that’s worse than explaining myself. I am not a on the surface kind of girl, I am not good at pleasantries, you can tell I am faking it. I am real and sincere and get in the nitty gritty of things. If I am asking you how you are, then I truly mean it and am not just saying it for the sake of saying something.
I did help Miah put together a PowerPoint for English today and that helped my confidence. Now I just have to work with Frank and Taiz from Argumentation on Chapter 3 and 4, possibly putting PowerPoints together for that class as well. They are almost done reading the chapters and taking notes and I have only started going through Chapter 3. Get it together Steph. I stay up all hours of the night but after a certain time, my brain can’t function to do schoolwork so I am just up either on social media or watching the Duff for the bazillionth time. I re-watched the Emily in Paris series for the third time. I can’t wait until that is me being able to assist clients…. well, if I get this internship, it may come sooner than I think. I wish I was younger doing all of this but, back then I wasn’t interested in this kind of stuff. The Second Act, it spoke to me. I cried and Nana asked why. I told her because the movie empowered me, proved that I am right where I am supposed to be and there is a place for me in the world I want to be in. I see my cup as half full, not half empty. I am excited for the future, I am not looking back regretting what could of been because I am so eager for what will be.
My mind is bouncing from thing to thing. I always have so much going on in there. It amazes me how I am able to get anything accomplished when everything is vying for my attention. Then I stop, I look at my Miah or Raiyhn or a picture on my phone and I am remember my whys. My inspirations, my reasons for breathing, for living, for being the best me I can be and I am able to focus on the task at hand. It makes me feel so good to know how proud of me they are, to know that I am in the right headspace to take it all in and continue on the right path. I’m not worried about wondering if I am enough, because I know I am. I am smart and very capable of getting everything my heart desires. Anyways, let us get off the computer now, it has been too long and my eyes are hurting… time for new glasses I think!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I hope that this coming week brings you happiness!