Clear as Mud

There are aspects of my life that make sense, there is a clear direction and the path is illuminated as to prevent me from finding a way to stray from the destined path. Yet, there are others that are elusive or more so, I seem to make them out to be mountains when they were intended to be no larger than molehills. I psych myself out, I have moments of doubt and wonder is perhaps quitting is better than failing. I think that’s the part of me that’s afraid of making mistakes. If I don’t try, if I give up then, I avoided a mistake. I now know, that quitting is ALWAYS a bigger mistake than going after something and failing. There is respect associated with attempting something, there is nothing to be proud of when I quit. All that’s learned by quitting is to run when things get hard.

While I’m not a runner, I also don’t take as many shots as I could. I overthink things and then want to give up. This semester is big for me and I keep doubting my ability to be successful. I weigh what I’ll gain from the consumption of time that I must devote to school and I just don’t want to neglect my family. I don’t want to take my time from them only to not accomplish what I set out to do. Part of me wants to give up, worried that I’ll fail, the other parts says but what if I fly? I guess it is better to take my chances than stay comfortably mediocre.

My mind is working on all cylinders and I’m understanding how certain things are connected or how they are to be. I used to be so afraid of being alone, of silence. I needed to have constant company or noise filling the room, filling my head so that I didn’t have to be with myself. I can’t explain what joy I find in my quiet times alone now. I don’t allow it to ever get too quiet though… I’ll go a few moments but after that, I use the time to talk to God. I look forward to those moments alone, to finding my own company enough. I used to wish that things were different because pieces of my heart are still apart from me. I wish now that I could have gone through this transformation prior to them coming into my life but, I don’t regret the transformation. I desperately needed it.

In this time I’ve learned to love myself, and with that, I love my family even more… even my missing pieces. I have learned the preciousness of a moment and the weight of poor decisions, the damage of stagnation and that my fear of failure made the man I love feel as if I was clipping his wings. Everything I did was with my little family in mind but I was so broken that even my pure intentions were misguided and often times ill received. I could not effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings and thus allowed myself to go to a dark place and dwell there. I know now I rather take a leap of faith and fall than to stand still. I can clearly present my thoughts and opinions and be open minded to opposition. I understand that what God gives us is a gift and should be given our full attention, love and devotion. Timing is everything right?

I’m up, down and all around. I’m unsure what tomorrow will bring, what I will learn about myself. Perhaps it will be clear as mud. I’ve been forced to figure a lot of things for myself lately. While time consuming, it is more rewarding to piece it together myself. I’m in the middle of beautiful chaos. Come find me…

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