I had to take my Nana to get and MRI this morning and for X-Rays last week, Urgent Care the week before. She’s is in pain and having a hard time walking. I am the one that is taking care of her, doing what needs to be done. I’ve always known it would be me helping her as she ages just as she did for me when I was younger. I am honored to do so and blessed that I am able to. She said that if she had to, she could do these things alone. It takes too much out of her even with my help. I can’t imagine her doing it on her own.
Everything we do or say comes with consequences, for ourselves, others, our future, whatever. Even our inaction or silence. I am an overthinker and if you’re not clearly communicating with me, I am filling in the blanks myself and usually in worst case scenario ( a habit I am working to break). I feel things deeply, my instincts are highly sensitive and as long as I can tune into them, I can be quite accurate. I have been on the receiving end of ill-conceived word choices or bad decision making so I strive to do things with intention but NEVER bad intention.
I am worried about the moves I am making. What doors will be closed and what new options may become available. I find myself wanting to stand still more often than not recently, afraid that certain doors will be closed and locked forever. Then, I take a deep breath and remind myself that what is meant for me is only for me and always for me and there is nothing I can do to close those doors permanently. Temporarily, yes, especially when I’m not exhibiting blind faith, I think God closes doors to gain my full attention. To remind me that He is in charge here. I do need constant reminders… I’m a tad bit stubborn.
I heard something the other day and it forced a mirror in front of me. Someone said this is how they are, this is who they’ve always been. I used to be like that, it is the platform I securely stood on. I see now how limiting those phrases are. We are continuously growing and evolving, as we should. We are not stuck in who we are, our bad habits are not part of our person. I am a strong woman but I have moments of weakness, I just don’t dwell there because it is not for me. If we have always been a certain way and don’t like it, why not change it? If you’re always late to work and you repeatedly get reprimanded at work, get to work on time. Nothing is holding you back but you. We have to take responsibility for who we are and what we are putting out into the world.
I’m transforming right before my own eyes. I reach beyond my limits on the daily and it is noticeable. There is a reason I’m here. A reason why my life is what it is right now. Even though I don’t understand it, I trust in the process. I am finding my way and changing what doesn’t suit me. The definition of insanity is engrained in my mind but, I’m not living proof anymore.