Walls Up

Hiding behind walls is a defense mechanism I’m very familiar with. I turn inward, like a turtle and withdraw myself from everything. Usually to be found in bed attempting to sleep the feeling of despair away. While I don’t use sleep as a means of escape anymore, I’ve realized I started building walls to hide behind again. I’m supposed to be building but for our future not to create a barrier between me and others. I think I just don’t want to be hurt. By anyone or anything. I’ve taken so many hits and I get back up every time so, it isn’t a matter of will power, it’s that I’m ready to move beyond the pain.

I think I have to put myself out there. The confines of this house is detrimental to my growth. I’m not making as many bold moves as I should. I will not resort to old ways out of comfort and security. I thought long and hard about something I’d like to do, something that would take me out of my comfort zone. After some thought, I had an idea. I went for it. And while, I didn’t do exactly what I set out to, I made progress and it felt good. I hesitated for a moment and then couldn’t find a reason not to do it.

I always wanted to be a Princess, and maybe that’s how I grew acceptable of high walls and me locked on the inside of them. But. I burned that wall to the ground and stopped waiting for someone to come rescue me. I am my own hero, I’ll tear down walls and slay dragons, because, in all honesty, I always have. I’ve always done what needed to be done regardless of who was around me or what the circumstances were. I find a way to make it through. I may not always come out unscathed but, I survive to battle another day.

I don’t want walls. I don’t want people on the outside and me all alone. I have to find a way to let my people back in. This is the building phase and I don’t want to do it on my own. I need others, the ones that loved me even when I didn’t love myself, I need them for this next part. I have to open myself up to possibilities and not limit the potential for a new ending. There are certain things that I’m racing against the clock and I refuse to lose. I am small but I am mighty and I have conquered many things.

The winds are changing, battles are brewing and I’m not backing down. No walls to hide behind, I’ve got God as my guide and I know everything will be as it should. Faith over fear, always.

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