No turning back

I was reminded today that while you always have the opportunity to start anew, there is no going back to what was. In all honesty, who would want to go back? I mean, I am down to start anew! Shall we do it right now? You ready? And…. go! In all seriousness though, we can’t undo or redo the past. We can accept it, forgive and be forgiveness, grow from it and do better because we know better. Oh, do I know better and I have grown immensely, I’m like the freaking beanstalk that Jack climbed up to get to the giant.

I am in a good mood, except don’t ask about school and my stupid internet. I’m all ready to do notes and the damn thing keeps freezing! I am beyond frustrated that I don’t have the proper means to study adequately. I make it work because what is the alternative? Quit? Nope. I’ve quit on myself too many times and I’m not doing it again. So devil, keep with your slow internet connection and I’ll wow you with the patience I’ve acquired! Point Stephie!

Last night I thought I could make an early night, it turned into an early morning, forcing myself to sleep at 5am. I’ve got so much on my mind. More things keep popping up with me to deal with and alone, I must face them. I will but, come on. Maybe I shouldn’t be so closed off to people. I’m holding my breath when all I have to do is take a breath. Stop making things harder for yourself than they have to be.

Tonight something started that I’ve been dreading. A box I prayed would never open. I am a ball of nerves on the inside but have to remain cool, calm and collected for my boy. Thank goodness for bathrooms so that I could gather myself in there. The worst part is I was promised I wouldn’t have to do this alone. Actually, I was going to be able to tag myself out of the hard stuff. That’s what I get though. When will I learn that actions speak louder than words. When push comes to shove, words don’t mean shit. I put my money where my mouth is. Once again, I will lead my family over this hurdle, I will keep us emotionally strong regardless of what we have to face and I will stand up and protect MY boy at all costs. He’s been hurt too many times, let down too many times, never again.

I thank God that I always have pure intentions, always! I never do anything with malicious intent, I never treat someone unlike how I expect to be treated. I take the high road and so I have no fear that I will persevere. I don’t wish harm on those that have done me wrong, I don’t seek revenge, thats not my place. They will have to answer to the Almighty for their transgressions. My honesty and my need to be forthcoming is going to come in handy. I pray for continued guidance and the ability to keep pushing us forward regardless of what comes our way.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but He sure is piling it on me right now. I’ve never wanted to make a phone call, to send a text, to reach out more in my life than I do right now. But, I have to rely on their voice in my head, cheering me on. Telling me that I’ve got this because I’m so much more than I give myself credit for. I hear you… even if it is only in my head, even if it is me only wishing. I am strong because you saw my strength when I was weak.

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