I have been in my head so much lately. Thinking of how things were, how they are and how they should be. The good and the bad and determining how I feel about it all. I am not discouraged in any way, I actually feel re-energized and motivated to keep on, keeping on. My gut is my guide and I trust the direction in which it is taking me. I am too overwhelmed by the weight of what this semester means to me but I know it is all in my head. I have the power to calm my nerves and focus on the task at hand, I do not need to concern myself with next week or next month. One step at a time, one week at a time is all I can give my energy to otherwise, I may not be able to accomplish this feat. I will hopefully finish one class tonight, we will see. Tomorrow I will have another done once I record an introduction. I have been waiting because I was nervous about recording but, with three classes requiring me to record speeches, I need to get over that shit.
I like to listen to music while I am working. It helps me to focus. I have been hearing some amazing music that isn’t what we would hear on the radio, I think that is one of the things that I love about Spotify. I put on Spotify this evening and a song I saved, I don’t even remember where I heard it, it came on and I can’t stop playing it. I love the beat, the lyrics, and that it is about dancing. I want to dance so bad! Slow dancing, holding hands…. things I haven’t done in sooooooooo long. It is upbeat and catchy and now it’s on repeat. Moments like this leave me full of hope, feeling nothing but good energy and allows me to close my eyes and imagine what I would rather be doing at this very moment than sitting here with my laptop writing this with my schoolwork all about me. If you were to close your eyes, what song would you be listening to? What would you be doing? Who would you be with? What feeling or feelings would it evoke? Do you have the ability to make that a reality? If so, what are you waiting for? If I could make mine a reality, I don’t care what time it is, I would make it happen, no hesitation. Alas, I am here, writing this, and taking a break to let me imagination run wild as I listen to the song again and again.
Oh, the song… that would help. Here you go:
I can’t believe we are in February. The more I want time to slow down, the more it seems to be speeding up. I can’t stop the ride, it’s got its own momentum at this point. I was talking to Miah about how much I’ve done over the course of the last year. How my head is in such a better space than it was. I said something about people not being able to see it because I haven’t lost as much weight as I would have liked and he said who cares, you know it and I know it. You’ve changed mom. I can’t explain how my heart filled with love. I am not everyone’s cup of tea but, I am his can of Dr. Pepper….lol This kid didn’t ask for me and although I think I make more mistakes than I get things right, I know in my heart, he would still choose me over anyone else. It is an honor to be his momma. I love the shit out of my boys. They complete me in a way that is magical. In this chaotic time in my life, God gives me moments of clarity, of peace, absolute beauty that I don’t feel I deserve but greatly appreciate.
Everything happens for a reason. I will say that all day every day. The proof is in the pudding. I know that my world was turned upsidedown but, it is being in that position that I saw things from another point of view and was able to course correct my life. I have healed and made amends, I have found my voice and my self worth, I have discovered just how incredible I am in in doing so, became the woman of my dreams and learned to love myself. I am blessed to be on this journey, I am honored to know what I know and to have the strength of my faith to fall back on. I am eager to see where I will be by my birthday. Things are going to be so different by then. This is my building year. We are going to build in 2021. We kept the foundation but we are building now. Filling our own tanks first and then being able to give to those we love. Able to give so much more of ourselves when we love ourselves. Oh, what a beautiful sight it is to see.
Slow dance if you’re feeling me now….