Now I Remember

When you’re hurt, when something catches you off guard, you tend to dwell in the happy memories, the good times because they bring you a sense of comfort. Living in that for as long as you can makes the most sense because you aren’t sure what amount of pain awaits you on the other side. Staying there for too long though, things start seeping in anyways and I think you just drag out the pain longer than you would have initially had you just ripped the band-aid off.

Something popped into my head today literally out of nowhere. But, I immediately got a yucky feeling, which, I know I digress but it totally sucked because I breathed all of the yuck out during my yoga sequence so I was really pissed off when some came rushing back to me. Okay, so, yes, yucky feeling. It’s something I had forgotten and while it isn’t super significant, it is at the same time very relevant. It was something that I found out, that I actually caught while it was happening and I was made to feel guilty for my feelings about it. No, it was not something dirty, but, it made me feel dirty back then and it did again today. I couldn’t be trusted, my thoughts, my opinions weren’t considered, well, because they knew what they were doing was wrong and because I wouldn’t agree to it. Their guilty conscious kept them from sharing with me, but, they didn’t know I had even more knowledge that I would have shut that shit down faster than I tried to.

I know I am not making much sense. It’s just that, I don’t want to be lied to. I don’t want anyone sneaking around behind my back. I want someone to respect me enough to not do anything to hurt me or embarrass me. I know things happen sometimes that are unintentional and that is different. But, if you know something is going to hurt me and you still choose to do it, I don’t have room for you in my life. You don’t deserve to be in my life.

In yoga, we are asked to do a backbend and every time I try, I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel super vulnerable and defenseless and I want to cry so I can’t hold the pose long. Well, I read today that the stretch is an opening of your heart and sometimes people get emotional and that’s good because it needs to be released. So, I guess I need to do some releasing of emotions. But, all I want to do is build a big wall around my heart. I mean, I already gave it away… even if it’s not wanted, it has someone’s name stamped all over it. But, I still want that wall because I don’t want to be hurt by anyone ever again. I know, how can I expect to love and be loved, it is just a lot to think about and it makes me sad. I’m not ready to be vulnerable again.

I am very tired, I just worked the last 4 hours on my final for Film and I am not quite sure I am making sense. All I know is that there are things that I am forgetting that are important in how I move forward. In the boundaries that I set, in the standards that I choose for myself. My daily reminder that I am a work in progress. The best is yet to come right?

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