Clearing the Clutter

As the Winter Session for school ends (I have only my finals to take for The Art of Film and 2 yoga sequences for the Fundamentals of Yoga), I have to quickly switch gears and prepare for the Spring Semester to commence. There are quite a few other things that I need to get in order, documents I need to submit and tasks I need to complete that require me to get out of my own damn head. It just seems like it’s that time and so I am deep, sometimes lost in thought.

I don’t think I am as angry as I was a couple of weeks ago. I think that has transformed into determination. Usually when I feel the way I was, it causes me to retreat inward and well, that gets me nowhere. I’ve got places to be, things to accomplish and I cannot afford to bury my head in the sand. To obtain different results I have to do things another way. It is scary you know? There is no rulebook, no path to follow when you’re on your own and forging a new way. But, when I pause and clear my mind, I look within and know that I am doing the right thing. Treading water isn’t meant for me anymore. Holding back is not for me either. I’m on a train that has no breaks.

I need some clarity, I need some space, a space that is my own. That I can do my thing and be who I want to be. Jeremiah and Raiyhn need that as well. I know something is going to work in our favor. I am preparing myself for when that time comes. I’m not afraid of that anymore. I’ve proven that I can maintain my own home. I am blessed to have what I have but, I know that it is time for me to press on, to require more of myself and for myself. I only have a few months before I reach a major life goal and I have to be ready.

My yoga professor wrote me today about yesterday’s assignment. She said that she wished I could see myself the way she does because she is so proud of me. She said there were moments where I surrendered to the pose and it was beautiful. She has a way of breathing confidence into my life. It’s funny because in those moments, I was surrendering. I was breathing into the pose. It was so hard for me but I wouldn’t allow myself to give up so I would get myself in position and then let it all go, and it didn’t go unnoticed. I mean, what a compliment. I am sad that this class is almost over. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. She taught me when I was younger and was really hard on me, but through this class, she has shown me compassion, she has guided me through learning about yoga and has encouraged me to continue to explore yoga and its benefits as part of my life. Namaste.

My brain is still a mess. Can I just organize that? I wish! I guess I just have to surrender to my feelings as well. I can’t rush the process. Everything happens for a reason right? Oh, I got my books in and I am super excited. I am missing one still, I think. But, I have to get on that because I have about a week before the new month starts. I don’t want to break this resolution. I also need to get envelopes so I can do the 100 day challenge. I am not going to play catch-up, just going to start it when I finally order me some envelopes. Everything is going to work out. I just know it…. I’m just not 100% sure who’s going to be there when it does.

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