During our yoga sequence today, our topic was courage and what it means to us. I had to write what it meant to me. Courage to me, is doing this, doing what I’ve been doing for almost a year. I am so much stronger than I used to be but, every day is a struggle. My why has not changed, I’ve only added myself into the equation. It is so hard to face the world every damn day, living through it when you know this is not the way your life is meant to be lived. When you know important people are missing and nothing you do can take your mind off of what’s missing. But, every day, I get up and I live my life to the fullest that I can, I make the most out of the day given to me so that God can witness my perseverance. He can see that I am thankful for what I had, what I have and what is yet to come. I can live through the pain and heal all my wounds and still love as strongly as I did all those days ago.
There was so much courage shown today in our country as our new President and Vice President were sworn into office. I couldn’t help but get emotional. Change is coming. I am so very excited. I learned this last year that it is always better to fight for what you want, what you believe in instead of letting life happen to you. So, I don’t know what’s in store and I am hoping things will be peaceful, but, if not, I am willing to stand up and be counted. I have to do my best to make sure that this world is worth living in for my children. My boys need to know that regardless of their race or the color of their skin that they are as capable as any other man and they will respect women and the rights to their own bodies. I pray that somehow, there are enough people in this country that are willing to extend an olive branch and close this divide. If we all can’t come together as a nation, another will find a way to become dominant and I don’t know how we will ever recover.
Anyways, let’s not be so heavy this evening. What does courage mean to you? Do you have courage?
I’m in a phase of my life that is fluid. What I’m doing, what’s important, seems to change constantly. I am being kept on my toes and alert. My senses are heightened and I’m proving what I am capable of. Thankfully, I am not looking for outside affirmations anymore. I know that what I am doing is meaningful. I am fully aware of my strengths. I am finally feeling like myself again. My hormones are back to a normal level and all the pressure that I was feeling has fleeted. While I still easily lose my breath, my poses in yoga are becoming easier and I am finding a peacefulness in being still.
I have some books coming my way. The month is almost over and I have not yet accomplished my book a month for this year. While I am almost done with the Art of Film, that’s for school and does not count. So, Barnes & Noble, hurry up with those books. I did order more than one so I won’t have to wait for a delivery come next month. My session for yoga in school is almost over, I have a week, then I have to figure out what I am going to do for exercise next…. since the gyms are a no go right now. Perhaps more yoga. Working towards a better, well-rounded me is a priority. I don’t want to get stagnant. Although, with three communications classes next semester, I am sure I will be super busy writing speeches. Anything is possible, I have to remember that.
Courage does not come easily. It’s also not always needed in a scary situation. I think that the need for courage is most necessary when you’re facing something you rather not. I had to find the courage to do what I’ve done. It’s not easy putting a mirror up to your face and doing the work to break patterns, heal wounds and face demons. When walking away is an option but not one that’s in your best interest, you’re forced to dig your heels in and work for what you want, what you need to end the cycle. Forgiving and learning to love myself was the most courageous thing I’ve ever done. It opened doors for me I never knew existed. Here I am still fighting for me….