It just keeps on coming, being blindsided by things I didn’t expect. To top it off, I am an emotional mess so, just saying something to me brings tears to my eyes. I have to continuously remind myself that I’m allowed to have these feelings but they do not define me, they are temporary and everything I’ve worked for, this is permanent. You can’t have a Raiyhnbow without a little rain, so, hopefully, this uncertain period will clear out some clutter and bring me some much needed freshness.
I was really hard on myself today. Like, really hard on myself. I said some mean things and I couldn’t stop crying. I was letting myself down, not showing me the compassion, the grace that I know I deserve and I felt even more guilt because of that. It was a vicious cycle for a while. As I said earlier about the rain, I took a shower and spoke to God, let him know that he knows my true feelings, my true intentions and apologized for speaking out of pain and anger. I know this is a process. I know the good days outweigh the bad and I know that I will overcome this. I’m not afraid to admit when I am wrong and take full responsibility for my mistakes.
Tomorrow is a new day and I’m praying with all my might that the sun will shine down on me and bring me the renewed hope I need. I see now that I must work harder to maintain all I’ve gained thus far. I can’t reach a new level and sit back to relax once I get there, I have to keep moving, keep working otherwise I will lose moment and risk all I have.
I don’t feel much better than yesterday, my heart is still aching something fierce but, I know better than to doubt God and His plans for me. Let’s be real, if I doubted Him even a bit, my heart wouldn’t be hurting. I wouldn’t be worried about what He put in my heart or keeping my promises to Him. I’ve just grown impatient. Things happen in God’s perfect timing, no matter how I try to rush them. In all honesty, I’m not sure I am ready for everything I want. I know that mentality has to change and that’s what I need to be working on. That and taking care of the boy that is in my possession. Have I told you how much I love my boys? The oldest one, oh, he drives him momma crazy but, he keeps me grounded. He’s by my side through everything, I wish it didn’t have to be that way because I think he got a raw deal but, he loves his momma. My little, all I can do is send him happy thoughts and lots of loves. But, it’s all being sent on the daily. I’ll be okay and things will get back on track.
I’m not sure what else to say. I keep getting lost in thought and am fighting off some tears right now. Slow and steady wins the race…. slow and steady.