It’s Okay to Not be Okay…

My mind has been in another place lately. I can’t tell you where because I don’t know myself. I catch myself drifting away throughout the day, to a place that I’ve never been, a place that leaves me feeling uneasy. I would say I wish I didn’t drift off into thought but by now, I know that anything that makes me feel uncomfortable must be forcing me to grow in some aspect of my life. I have no control over the thoughts that come over me, the dreams that haunt my peaceful slumber.

I’ve got to be honest with you, admit something I haven’t even said aloud to myself. My faith is wavering. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked so very hard for this last year because I’m carrying this anger. I know what God put in my heart, I know what it means, I took what he gave me and I’ve held on for dear life through situations that I should not have but, I never let my faith be questioned, I believed in His plan as he believed in me and us. But now as time is pulling me further away, I’m mad. He, better than anyone knows what I have been through and I told Him not to send me anyone until He was ready to send me the one. So, when the one showed up and was even more than I could have asked for, I knew it, I just knew it, like I’ve never known anything before. So, then why am I here now? Why did He give me a family to take it away? What am I to learn from this? I can’t move on. I promised Him that this was it, I promised Him that I would love that man for the rest of my life no matter what because He put him in my heart. He put my little in my heart. He answered my prayers just as He did with Jeremiah. But, here I am. I know He loves me, I know He has a plan but, why am I continuing to suffer, to feel incomplete, missing the growth of my little? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I know I am to have blind faith and this questioning can and will harm my progress but, I know I am a good woman, and I just can’t understand what is going on.

I pride myself on my schoolwork but it is taking me so much longer to retain the information to complete the assignment. Tonight, I just don’t have the attention span to watch the assigned movie especially because it is in Spanish with subtitles. So, another late assignment for me.

I started off the year on such a high, I don’t get where this is coming from. I have to be the good to receive the good. I have to believe in me for things to happen and Miah and I desperately need things to happen. We need change, a place where we belong, where we can be ourselves and we can call our own. I know I need miracles and this mood I am in is only going to hold me back. I don’t know. I feel lost. So, tonight, if you’re not too busy, can you pray for me? I’m having a hard time praying myself. God, I know this is temporary and there is probably a hidden lesson but, I just want my family. I just want what you promised me, what you put in my heart, or please, for my sake, then remove it so it won’t hurt anymore. I’m losing time I can never get back, moments that I am missing, memories that aren’t being made. It’s overwhelming me and it’s getting harder to breathe.

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