I may not have what it takes to continue this blog. I have been struggling to write these last few days. It’s not from a lack of having something to say, it’s not having the strength to say what needs to be said so anything else just feels false. I want everything I do to be done with purpose, this included. I never want to write just for the sake of writing. It defeats the purpose of what I need from this.
My head, my heart, my thoughts, my soul, I am fighting an internal battle. I am replaying moments in my mind but this time, the rose colored glasses have come off. I was so convinced I was unworthy of good and that when bad befell me, I accepted it without question, regardless of who was dishing it out. Likewise, when I was blamed of doing something wrong, I apologized profusely instead of standing up for myself. Both of these aided in my low self esteem and losing sight of myself. I grew such a tolerance for taking shots that unless they were large ones, they didn’t register. But, looking back, things were done to hurt me or without any regard for my feelings more than I thought. I am so angry, I am hurt. Hurt in an inexplicable way, a way that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I don’t know.
I know there are always good days and bad days and for the most part, the bulk of my day is good. It’s just those moments when something happens and reminds me of something. It sucks. Last night Miah was being silly and said something about making him eat two colors of jello and that’s why his tummy hurt… it is an inside joke, one I wasn’t prepared for so we both laughed until I started crying and he just sat there silent and in thought.
I just don’t have words. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know if it matters. I know I have to be a priority in my life, and I have done a great job at that. But, I am my family. I always have been and no matter how much time and energy I dedicate to myself does not change the fact that half of my family is missing. This popular dog social media account I follow, they posted that one of the dogs is sick and he may not make it through the week, it made me think about my Rafe. Would he recognize his momma if he saw me? Would he blame me for abandoning him even though it wasn’t my choice? Does he know his momma loves him? If something bad happened to him, would I even know? He was such a momma’s boy… just like Miah. I had never been away from him for long since we got him. His dad would leave for weeks or months but momma stayed. Then there is the rest of my family and I can’t get into details because I am already a crying mess and I still have to record myself doing yoga.
My life is not complete. I know God has a plan for me but if he has something else in mind, then I don’t want it. He made this possible. He brought me and the man of my dreams together and you can’t just make me forget that. No one compares. Through all the hurt and bullshit and everything, there was more love and understanding and patience than I have ever experienced. I am just angry at the whole situation. I have to go or I am not going to get my work done… I know I am leaving this at a bad place but I lost track of time and have to go to submit in time. Goodnight.