Grace

Somedays don’t go as planned, that’s why it is better to have an idea of how you would like the day to go but understand that everything could get messed up. The biggest lesson is grace – not being hard on yourself for things not going to plan. Accepting things as they come and leaving room to make adjustments. There is no need to forgive yourself if you don’t blame yourself to begin with. There are things out of your control and sometimes the way things play out are better than what you originally had planned.

This day was in no way the way I had planned it this morning. I had to deal with a lot of unnecessary conflict and I had to run around doing things that prevented me from giving my schoolwork the attention it deserved. I was frustrated to the point of tears. Then I have my son bugging me about something and not understanding that at a certain point each evening, the time becomes mine and I need to focus on my schooling and he needs to be understanding. I was rushing to finish my assignments and when I looked at the time allotted for them, I realized I was not going to get it all done tonight which made me want to panic. Instead, I took a breath. I don’t need A’s in these classes, I mean, they would be ideal but, I had gone into this Winter Session not expecting A’s. I have a life and other responsibilities that I am responsible for. These classes are only fillers that I need to graduate and as long as I pass with a grade I earned, I am more than okay with that. Keeping this in mind, I prioritized my remaining assignments. I just finished my yoga workout and submitted it before the deadline. As for film, well, I do not have time to watch the movie I need to view tonight and submit my written assignment. Since I know my grade will be deducted 10% if turned in a day late, I realized that the 10% will be deducted if the assignment is received at 1am or 1pm so, I opted out of watching the movie tonight. For some reason, I have assignments over the weekend too for this class, so, tomorrow is double duty. Once I came up with this plan, I felt so much better….no chicken little here!

Yoga kicked my butt. It was almost an hour long and it required more challenging positions than the last few days. I did almost everything with the exception of two repetitions where my wrists would not cooperate. I am overweight so, these wrists have to hold up more than they should when doing Upward Facing Dog so, I am just so proud of myself for doing it and lasting longer than expected. Again, I want to cry. Shit is hard for me, it would be easier to quit. Doing yoga at around 10pm at night because that’s the only quiet time I get is not fun or ideal because I am exhausted. It is a struggle to talk myself into it but, this is night 4. I am not happy with how out of shape I am but, I’ve taken the first step and for that, I am grateful. I’ve got to start somewhere, I have to hold myself accountable and hopefully after this class, yoga will be a habit and add that exercise and time to clear my mind that I desperately need. I am feeling the workout now and glad I don’t have yoga for two days. I think I may need to walk this out tomorrow though.

My heart, brain and gut are in major deliberations at the moment. I have been experiencing dreams every night and I’m not sure what they are for. Some make sense, others seem so real that waking up is torture and yet others are off the wall and out of nowhere. I know it’s my brain working stuff out while I am asleep but, nothing has clicked yet and I need a dreamless night to get some good sleep. Tomorrow is Saturday and I am looking to sleep in a bit….let’s hope! I just lost my train of thought and for some reason, I can feel myself getting super emotional right now. So, instead of saying anything that I may regret, I think that’s my cue to leave.

Before I say goodbye, please allow yourself grace. We are not perfect and we don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations, not even our own. Expectations are not reality. It is great to have goals, don’t get me wrong but, if something doesn’t quite happen the way you planned, it’s okay. For example, if you planned on losing 10 lbs in a month (I know that is a lot) but, you lose 7 lbs. Thoses 7 lbs are still more than 0 lbs, so, be proud of yourself for the 7 and if you want, make adjustments to try to lose the 10 the following month. Don’t let the negative overshadow all of the positive. It’s about the small victories. Someone in one of my classes posted that it’s not about the journey, it’s about the destination and I know that is a popular quote but, they have it all wrong. The majority of our life is spent on the journey, it is about the journey, we have to live for each moment. The destination is the goal but, the journey, that’s the meat and potatoes, that’s what matters. It took me too long to realize this, don’t be a fool like me. Learn it, live it, love it. Okay, that’s my lecture for the day. Happy Friday!

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