Winter Session

First day of Winter Session is upon me and I have been rather stressed all day. To do a week’s worth of work in a day is a daunting task, especially with all of my other duties I am taking on at the moment. I know I just have to find my stride but, still…. ah… I need more hours in the day. Thankfully, film only required a discussion so that is done but I am charging my phone now that things have quieted down a bit so that I can record my first yoga lesson. I have to record myself and send it in each day along with other assignments. The thing is that the lessons are long and the video has to be in time lapse mode. I am more concerned with reading a chapter and watching a movie each day. I know it sounds silly but part of the assignment is to not have any distractions including not having our phone near us. I am a mom, I don’t see how that is possible. I think I may need to have a binge read and watch this weekend to try to get ahead of the curve. I am only in these classes until the 26th… so, 21 more days (I wish I could say minus weekends but, my film professor doesn’t give us weekends off).

I chatted with one of my nearest and dearest friends today. She is on the same journey as I am but she is taking a different approach and her progress has not been as drastic as mine. She is choosing to do this work with a therapist where I ventured on this with only the guidance from up above. To each their own but, I had to remind her that what works for her is unique and she has to trust her gut. This is where I am blessed that I had the opportunity to focus on what really matters and I didn’t have any outside interference, otherwise I am afraid I wouldn’t be this far. It’s like dieting, when you have nothing that you like to eat in the house, it is easy to not munch but, fill the refrigerator and cupboards with yummy stuff and we can’t help but to stuff ourselves until our bellies hurt. Yes, self discipline is necessary but when food brings you comfort, it is hard to not indulge when you are feeling down. Once you get over the hump though, you wonder what took you so long to make the change and the thought of going back seems ridiculous. I can’t wait for her to get here. She deserves to feel whole and love herself. It’s an awesome feeling. I was told that I look genuinely happy and how fucking proud of me she is. Wow, is that music to my ears, especially coming form someone that I love and admire. I am genuinely happy. Things may not be the way I want them, they look so different from what was planned but, I have learned to let go.

I keep thinking about what I want my future to look like. I have had dreams almost every night which is not something I am used to. Different scenarios keep playing out but, it all seems like I’m watching a movie and not living in those moments. There are some dreams that feel so real that it hurts to wake up and realize it was only a dream. Those are the most wonderful and difficult at the same time. I know I am supposed to visualize what I want, manifest it to come true, but, I think I’m in a transition because all of that seems so up in the air. I know what I want to do, it is just a matter of me believing I can do it and making it happen. I know the goals I have set for this year and since some are out there, part of me wants to reel them in but, what is the point of having goals if they are easily attainable. A sure thing should never be a goal.

We watched Soul over the weekend and I related more to Joe than I like to admit. I had to talk to Miah about it when it was over. I kept thinking that once I got married, once I had my dream job, once I had a house, blah, blah, blah, then I would be happy, then I would live my life and stop being a spectator on the sidelines. I don’t want that for my boys. I want them to live their lives and be messy. I want them to make mistakes and play in the mud and laugh and love. Thankfully God did allow me my memories but, there are so many things I wish I could go back and experience with the mind and heart I have now. I know I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. I would be with my family living my best life and enjoying every second of it. I’m not a bad person, I do not wish harm on anyone, and as I spoke of yesterday, I can’t comprehend why I am here and the though festers regardless of how hard I work to let it go. I don’t want to be a bitter woman, and I don’t want to live in la la land. So instead of being like a bowling bowl bouncing back and forth off the bumpers, I am being constantly pushed forward by a force bigger than myself. Urging me to stop living with questions and doubt, anger and jealousy and remember there is a bigger plan here. Once I learn the lesson, I will be guided to a new understanding of how my life is meant to be.

Until then, I am in school, currently doing a week’s worth of work for two classes and wondering how it’s all going to get done. Go with the flow Steph and learn that yoga…. it will relax you. Body, Mind and Spirit, that’s what my professor says.

Anyways, I think I am at a place where I can start this thing. Think flexible thoughts and let’s pray I can move tomorrow. I am so out of shape. Haha!

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