It’s All Madness

I have an anger building up in me that I’m afraid to let out. Afraid what might come out of my mouth, what actions I may take, how things will be different in the aftermath. I am watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman for the bajillionth time and feeling her pain in an unfamiliar way. I am mad. I am so mad and hurt and disappointed and angry. I am pissed at how things are playing out, knowing full well that it does not have to be this way. Huge decisions are lingering, decisions that are life altering to begin with but now have more weight added on them. I am doing my best to push these thoughts aside, I can’t though. I won’t push them under the rug. Learning how to work through this without losing the ground I’ve gained is another piece of this puzzle.

I see how happy others are, even when they are frustrated or not on the same page, they are still there fighting for their relationship and I just feel like an outsider, that I am watching a movie that maybe all I have is the memories of what I had and I won’t ever get a chance to feel that way again. I am beyond happy in areas of my life that I didn’t think I could fill myself and I have. Now those other areas that know what it’s like to be full, they are aching. Am I being a fool for staying so steadfast? For not being open to the potential of something new? I think about it but, the thought doesn’t bring me happiness. It makes me sick honestly. Which makes me even more mad knowing that I’m the only fool that feels this way. Loyalty is hard to find these days…. I’ve been told that an Orlando could be waiting for me. My soul tells me that I have to be patient because everything happens in God’s timing.

I’m strong, I continue to prove that, but, I just want to be part of a team. I want someone to love me so much that the thought of living without me makes it hard for them to breathe. I want to know that when things get tough, we will prove we are tougher and not that troubles can divide us. I want to not be angry, I want to not feel disappointed and frustrated. I don’t want to watch one of my favorite movies and feel her pain, I just want to feel bad for her. Somewhere I think I gave up on fairytales. I don’t want happily ever after, I want messily ever after. I want to fight and makeup, I want my best friend and my lover, I want to grow with someone and grow because of them, I want a life for us and when we are older, to sit on our porch swing together knowing that we did it, we made it, we never gave up, knowing that what God brought together no one and nothing can tear apart. I am so furious that ego, miscommunication and just plain being scared infiltrated my life and turned it upside down. The thing that hurts the most, I was scared, so scared that I wasn’t enough and it made me run to him because he was my safe place. I learned the hard way that the feelings weren’t mutual. I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself for that. I held back for so long, afraid that if I gave my all that I would fall flat on my face…. it caused so many problems. I finally stopped holding back and my worst fears became my reality.

Forgiving myself has not been easy. All I can do is take a step forward every day and continue to love myself through it all. Like Helen, I am finding my way. Giving myself grace when needed and remembering to keep my faith. I have hope that the best is yet to come. Releasing the anger is a slow process. I’ve got nothing but time.

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