We started to get ready for our trip out of town for New Years. I can’t wait for us to leave tomorrow. We are mostly packed and now just eager to get on the road. I was organizing things and thank goodness because I came across a few things that needed my attention. I thought I had almost two weeks until my next classes start and I was wrong. I received an email from one of my professors today and classes start in a week. I had to rush to order books and other supplies (SO EXPENSIVE) and now I’m just praying I receive it all in time to begin the first day. Winter session is basically a chapter a day for 15 days. From the syllabus I looked at, my Intro to Film class will require me to watch one movie a day, it looks like most on the list are not movies I have seen before so that’s a good thing. I am intrigued to find out what I will learn in that class.
Prepping for the New Year. Getting my mind right. Letting go of all that I can’t hold on to any longer. Looking at things from a fresh pair of lenses. I’ve never spent so much time with myself. I’ve never had time to think clearly and make thought out decisions. Now that I can, I can also make confident decisions on the fly. I have so much to be thankful for. I found a picture of my brother and I from 20 years ago. Yes, 20 years. I paid for us to get professional pictures taken from a vendor at the mall. While I think my brother looks great, I don’t know the girl that is in that picture. I by no means think that I am a looker, but, I do believe that I get better with age. Before I started typing this, I looked at my Snapchat memories as well, even those, pictures from three years ago and I look so different from that woman. The happy in my eyes is no match to what’s there now. That woman was struggling to hold on to everything she loved. Holding her breath for fear that she would lose her grip. This woman, she lost half of her world, despite that, she still finds a reason to smile. There is beauty in her chaos.
Anyways, I may not be making sense to you, but, I am to me. I have a greater appreciation for family and the true commitment it takes to find the time to be part of it, even if all we have to work with is video chatting. I am listening to others as they speak their truth, understanding more that my brother thinks the same way I do. We are more alike than I give us credit for. Life wasn’t easy but, we kept going, we’ve always kept going. I see now how selfishness and petty actions only detract from wonderful moments and priceless memories. I am still working to not be ruled by ego. I find myself getting angry thinking about how things have played out in the past and my inaction or lack of confrontation prevented me from saying or doing what needed to be done. This is where the grace comes in. I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it and do better next time.
I look forward to the day that Covid is behind us and we aren’t forced to social distance. To be able to spend time with those we love without having to worry about disinfecting or wearing stupid masks. I have a lot of making up to do. I have to mend some bridges with people that I allowed time to separate us. That because I was in a dark place, I didn’t want to make contact, I didn’t want them to see me because I was embarrassed. I wish I wouldn’t have done so because most didn’t get to share in the most important aspects of my life, don’t know the ones that share my heart. That’s on me. Again, I can only move forward. All of these things I need to do and I’m ready…..and the world is on pause. Like, c’mon! It’s okay. Everything happens for a reason. Somehow, someway, Stephie is finding her way! With a smile in her heart and on her face. Oh happy day! Okay, okay, to bed I go. So much fun to be had!! Talk to you soon…. Love you, bye! ❤