At face value

So… did you watch my video last night? Did you notice how I was glowing? Even my eyes were smiling! That woman is happy! I couldn’t believe it when I watched the video. Look at me now!!

The outside reflects the inside and in time to welcome a new year! I may be overweight and silvery shiny hair might be taking over, but, all I see is beauty! I looked at other videos I’ve posted this year and none come close to the one from yesterday. I am whole. I am secure with who I am. The peace I feel is exuding out of me for all to notice. And… I’m not minding being noticed, hi there! 😘 lol

As the night is coming to an end, I’m sitting here coloring and thinking about some things. Thinking about how bad I’ve felt about certain things. How in the past, my low self esteem has allowed me to accept things that were not okay, to waiver on my standards and sacrifice my beliefs. I can’t help but feel those yucky feelings again and be reminded of all the circumstances that surrounded those events. How many times in my life I’ve been wronged and for what?

I am taken aback at the fact that I’ve yet to be married. Others have had multiple marriages and here I remain. 2020 was to finally be my year. I actually let myself believe it…. somehow, I have not given up on the chance it still might happen for me. I also know I only want to do it once so I am thankful that I haven’t had a failed marriage. I am a pro at failed relationships though. I am blessed that all except for my last didn’t pan out. My last, well, that’s my meant to be and I’m not afraid to admit it and I won’t deny it. Everything I’ve ever wanted, I had. Even if we weren’t ready. But, I am learning to accept things as they are and not for how I want them to be. Afterall, I don’t want anyone in my life that doesn’t want to be here, that doesn’t believe in me as I believe in them, that doesn’t love me as I love them. I’ll love them from afar… as I hold myself close.

I’ve gained some wisdom and a solid sense of self. I am not crying over what I’ve lost. I honestly just feel so blessed for what I’ve had and what I’ve been given. I am surrounded by what I want out of life. I am being shown that it can be done and I have what it takes. I am mentally healthy and capable of accomplishing whatever I set my mind to. There is no hate, malice, ill will or anything in my heart. It is bursting with love… to be shared with my loved ones.

I am getting excited about the next few days. We are going to have so much fun and leave all our cares behind. Next week I’ll be back at it and prepping for my Winter session at school. Keeping the momentum to finish off my Spring semester just as strong as Fall. Then we await acceptance news and other good things happening! What awaits us on 2021? Soon we will see.

It’s easy to read into things and sometimes play it out how we want it to. Most often, what you see is what you get. I am complex so this rule does not apply but, others are simple and it is what it is. Take it for what you see and keep it moving. True happiness doesn’t have any rules or stipulations. It is happiness in its most natural and simple form.

Even my eyes are smiling! Perfectly imperfect!!

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