Fear of…

My mind is on overdrive, I know that is nothing new, I am figuring things out though and settling into a new normal. I’ve always had a fear of heights. It just registered that, I think that it is as much metaphorical as it was literal. I’ve been so scared of getting to a level I’ve never been, afraid that when I got there, I would not be able to keep the momentum. When you think about things though, you rather be at the top looking down at all you’ve accomplished than be at the bottom looking at the top, wishing you were there. I may not have climbed all the way to the top yet, but, damn, is the view beautiful from where I’m at. It feels good, the air is fresh and I’m not scared at all. I am invigorated and feel like I can conquer the world. There are no limits being put on me or what I can do. It’s crazy how I’ve always been afraid of heights and now I’m more afraid of the ground, of where I started from and not wanting to ever go back there. I’ve come too far to have to start back at the beginning again.

Thinking about this today, I also broached the topic of my fear of failure and where I stand on that. I’ve always been so afraid of failing at things that I never attempted them. I think that is long gone. I’m having fun trying new things and mastering them. Today alone I may delicious deviled eggs, homemade guacamole and pico de gallo. Tomorrow is more cookies and we attempt fudge. Beyond food, I am making big moves with school and can’t wait to ascend to the next level. I knew I exceled at school, it is something I love but, I was afraid that I would get started and have to stop. I didn’t want to dedicate time to it unless I could see it through this time. I tried to put it on pause after this coming Spring but, my team, they won’t let me quit what I’ve started, so, full steam ahead. There are so many things I want to do now. Nothing is stopping me and it’s so liberating. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to and no one can stop me. My only fear is not doing what I want because I am afraid of the outcome. The only way to master something is to attempt it. Even if I don’t succeed, I can dust myself off and try again. There will be things that require practice, but, I am up for the challenge.

I think yesterday was the last of my hard days. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel as if the “curse” has been lifted and the gray cloud over my head is gone. Have my feelings changed? Definitely not but, I’ve gone through all of the hard holidays… alone. Yes, New Years Eve is coming up, but, that’s been fucked up for me before so, it ain’t no thing. I’ve seen it said that no message is a message and it’s coming through loud and clear. This me, I am not an afterthought or an option, I am not a side chick or desperate. I am the only one, the love of your life, ride or die, Bonnie to your Clyde… well, for the right man, when that time comes. As of right now, I’ve got me, and I’ll continue to take care of me and mine.

I’ve got some things I want to accomplish and I’ve got to figure out how to see them through. Being around these babies just solidify that I am not ready to give up on that dream. Seeing Miah with Cheese, well, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed and I know damn well he would treat a little sister the same way. I know I am not there right now, but, it’s something worth working on. I don’t have time to wait for the right time. So, while I am figuring me out, I’ve got to make being healthy a priority in 2021. I also plan to travel, as much as we possibly can. I look forward to celebrating New Years in a new city and hope that it will spark many more adventures for this coming year. Life is what we make of it, I plan to paint the most amazing picture and create one of a kind memories.

I am so not the person that started out this year. I have been broken in a way that there are no words for but, I’ve built myself back up into a person I am proud of. I love structure and having a plan and yet, I’ve learned to go with the flow. Stress no longer rules my life, because it does nothing to change the situation that is bothering me. Learning to let go, to understand that I am not truly in control has given me many opportunities to grow and adapt. I’m not perfect and I will never claim to be. For once in my life, I don’t require validation, I know my worth, I know that I’m going to be okay. Fear does not reside here. With each breath I take, I feel me getting stronger, me gaining wisdom to help me through whatever is next on this journey. I’ve got this, because in all honesty, I always have. It doesn’t matter if other people can’t see it or don’t know, I just know. It’s one of my gifts. For the things I just know, God will bring to fruition, why? Because I just know.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day! I can’t wait. Let’s see what adventures we can find! Goodnight…

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