The day is almost over. I probably didn’t even give myself enough time to write this before tomorrow comes but, I made it through the day. I am not going to lie, it was a hard day. So very hard. I had a wonderful day filled with family and so many great times but, there were people missing and it was very apparent. A few times I had to excuse myself to cry but, it couldn’t be helped. We had mimosas in the morning and I had a bit more than I should have because I just needed to not feel for a while, which led to a nap and that was greatly appreciated.
I did what I wanted and I am proud of myself for that. I reached out to someone unexpected that has been on my mind lately. Not sure why they’ve been on my mind or why I reached out but, I did hear back. Not sure what that means either. All I know is that I can’t wallow in this sadness that I feel. I can’t keep longing for something, for someone and it be one sided. I am not sure if I will ever fully move on, I just know that I deserve more than the silence I am being given. I have come a long way and I am worthy of time, attention and affection. I’ve proven that I am loyal, that I’m not like the others, that when I say I am committed, when I make promises to always be there no matter what, I keep my promises. I’ve shown myself patience and restraint and more than anything, resilience. I am at a point where I want to live all of my life not part of it.
This Christmas, I think the best gift I could give or receive is a chance for a fresh start. As 2021 approaches, I want to do the unthinkable, to step further out of my comfort zone and don’t want to be held back waiting on something that may never come to fruition. I feel like Sam on A Cinderella Story telling Austin Ames that waiting on him is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing. The sky is the limit for the plans I am making, the things I am setting in motion. I am super excited.
So, in less than a week, we head out for a trip to a place we’ve never been to bring in the New Year. Again, making memories without the other half of our family but, they are doing the same… the only difference is, we aren’t being missed. I’ve got 3 years until my boy is an adult and I have to take these opportunities as they come and do what’s best for us. I can’t believe all that’s changed, how much I’ve changed. I am not the woman that began this blog, I am not the woman I was a month ago. Being here, being with family, seeing how a real family unit works, proves that what I want is possible. I am done listening to others that haven’t figured it out trying to give advice. I don’t care who it is either. Until you’ve mastered the subject you are trying to provide advice for, I don’t want to hear it. Too many people get caught up in this and I can’t do it anymore. I am happy with how things are going. I am listening to what’s being said or even what’s not.
I’m all over the place again tonight even though I hoped that I would be able to write something meaningful. I’m just really ready to put a period on this day. It was a lovely day, a day filled with lots of love and silly moments and just an all around great day…. so many video chats and smiling faces. Today is a day Miah and I will not soon forget.
Anyways, Merry Christmas all. I have a lot of thinking to do before the New Year, it’s time to make some bold moves. Try some new things and leave others in 2020. Now is the time to determine what goes where…..
I was gifted a bracelet from my brother’s family. It is one for my birth month with a picture of a rose. On the back it says – Honor your beauty, heal your heart. That’s what I plan to do. It might be my 2021 mantra.