The Night Before Christmas

I have minutes before Christmas, unsure I’ll even finish typing before then but, I just finished wrapping presents and getting everything under the tree. I have such a headache and a larger heartache as the minutes count down and tomorrow is proving to not be the way it should. I am frustrated and angered and yet, still filled with hope, love and good cheer. We made the best out of what we have to work with and at least we did it together.

The weight of what tomorrow will mean without our family whole has finally set in with Miah. I hate that there is nothing I can do about it. He is missing his brother and the fact that he can’t see him tomorrow, that he won’t have to wait to open his presents until we get him is bothering him. He tries to hide it for me because he knows how hard this is all for me but, he had to get it out and so he shared with me. All I can do is love him harder… and he appreciates it.

We are surrounded by love, please don’t think that we aren’t. It’s just not with everyone we want to spend our holiday with. We’ve had to lean on each other a lot more for support which is not a bad thing. I keep on thinking if some of the decisions I made were the right ones. I wouldn’t have to be alone this Christmas if I didn’t want to but, in all reality, my heart is not mine. I gave it away and I don’t want it back. I hate that the popular Mariah Carey song is me this year. But, it is.

Tomorrow is going to come no matter how much I plead to God and as quickly as it comes, it will go and an important day will have passed without any change in this situation. My brother and I lost a childhood friend last night. We found out via Facebook. It’s sad that right before Christmas his family is now mourning his passing. I have another friend that is fighting multiple illnesses at once. All of these things are happening and it maddens me that people still don’t understand that time is precious, it is not to be squandered.

I am not saying what I want to say for fear of losing it and I can’t. I can’t break down. I can’t lose it because for the first time since all of this happened, I am truly scared that I will lose it. That I will crumble and melt like a snowman on a hot day. I wish I was being funny. My heart is throbbing and I have a huge lump in my throat. I know what I am missing but tonight it is consuming me. Please, pray….. I could really use some good thoughts coming my way tonight.

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