I wanted a child for all of my life. It was my life’s purpose to be a momma. I tried and prayed and pleaded with God, his father and I both cried when those tests kept coming back negative. It’s heartbreaking to think back and know because of a selfishly bad decision he made, that when we finally did get pregnant, he was not happy about it, that he rained on my parade. I nevertheless, was ecstatic to be growing a little blessing inside me, someone that no matter what life had planned for me, would love me through it all.
Thinking back, that’s kind of sad that I was searching for someone that would always love me. If I was with the right man, his father would have made me feel that way. But, I got my little man out of it and I wouldn’t change anything for the world. This little boy came into my life and from the start was such a good baby, sleeping through the night and just making his momma so happy. Then came the post partum depression, and the realization that I would be a single parent, doing the exact opposite of what I had wanted to do. So, add some depression onto that post partum depression and I verged on post partum psychosis. I fought my demons, the monster in my body that kept trying to control me… we warred for years before I was able to claim victory. I carry a little of that with me still but, I’ve already won once so, I know that I am able to do it again. PPD took away a lot of my time with my little one. Memories that I am unable to get back. I held onto the guilt for too long and have finally learned to let it go.
Growing up, I tried to fill the void that I thought Miah was missing, things that as I was growing up, I missed. I didn’t try to be mom and dad, I can’t be dad, I just tried to make up for what was missing. My boy has always been very loved and given lots of affection but there were things that were for sure missing, things that I couldn’t do or be or give him. It was very apparent when I met Honey and he took Miah to the barber for the first time. Prior to that, we had always just gone to a salon. When I saw the whole experience I realized the difference and we’ve never gone back to a salon for his cuts. He’s got his favorite barbershop now and working towards a favorite barber. I thankfully didn’t have to have the birds and the bees conversation with him and he was able to get some good advice that he carries with him.
He has been talking about confronting his father and I thought that he would be doing this with…. well, not me. I thought it would be my two men going to meet that man and Miah would feel safe and protected but he’d be able to a kid and not have to worry about protecting his momma (you know, the teenage boy thing). I am super nervous and now that his girlfriend is mending the relationship with her estranged father, I keep waiting for Miah to bring up the topic again. I think my only saving grace at the moment, and it totally sucks, is that his heart is hurting from the loss of another and I don’t think he wants to deal with anymore rejection at this time. He’s still trying to wrap his head around what happened this year. Feeling things that he won’t even share with me and if it wasn’t for his amazing girlfriend, I wouldn’t know. He’s growing up more than he should have to, hardening himself in areas I wish he wasn’t, it’s honestly hard not harbor guilt but, I’ve only ever tried to give him, to give both my boys, the best life I could.
This year, I have seen sides of my boy that I didn’t know existed. I have more respect for him, I have a better understanding of how his brain works. He has shown up in amazing ways for me. He cheers me on even when I am not paying attention. He sings my praises to anyone that will listen to him. My boy tells me he loves me multiple times a day and makes sure to always say he loves me more than I love him (not true but nice to hear). I’ve seen a sadness that I knew lived inside him but never showed physically. He bottles it up but when it’s overflowing then he can’t hide it. I think that’s when we have our best, our most honest talks about life, love, and anything that comes to his mind. He thinks his momma is perfect and I have to teach him that everyone has their flaws, no one is perfect. He’s getting it. He’s learning to see the world for what it is. I am very thankful that my boy has such a big heart and is compassionate. I know it will take him far.
I know that this post doesn’t have a theme other than my boy. But, we’ve been able to spend time these last few days and he makes me so happy. I love that he lays on my lap and has me scratch his head or back. He’s been falling asleep while I do it. All I can do is stare at the man sized teenager asleep on me and revel in that I made him. He is mine. I pray to God that I’m doing right by him, that I’m giving him everything he needs to be successful and not make the mistakes I’ve made. I am blessed to have him as my son. I pray that this next year has so much good in store for us. We deserve some good.
Anyways, I think I’ve said enough. I’m having a hard time concentrating and I think just need to work through some things floating around in my head. I’m sure I’ll be asleep again soon and having crazy dreams. It’s the new normal. Morning comes too early these days and sleep escapes me. Well, goodnight and perhaps tomorrow I’ll be able to articulate better than I did here. Until then…. God Bless!