I’ve learned that when I take a step forward, sometimes I stumble backwards losing a little of my progress. That’s to be expected. I get so busy working on moving forward that I tend to not pay attention to the things I am missing, the things that I have to keep repeating because the lesson wasn’t learned. I’ve been using my brain more in this last year than so many years before but somehow if I want to miss something, it is easy to do. To be completely transparent, I have been working on me, for me but in the back of my mind, I’ve had other reasons as well. I still had that if I could just do this or that, then what I want will click. But, if I am being honest, today it clicked that I’m still measuring my worth by the opinion of someone other than myself. Duh, no wonder in some aspects of my life I feel like it is Groundhog’s Day.
I was in the shower thinking… for some reason that’s when things to appear more clearly. I do a lot of my thinking and praying in the shower. So, I was in there working through some things, talking to God about a few issues that have been bothering me and that’s when the lightbulb turned on. What a silly Stephie. when I pause, I know how much I have grown and the changes I’ve made. No matter how much I want something, I can’t want it more than I want to be me, more than knowing that I am enough for me. I am learning to stand tall and be comfortable in my own skin. I see the gray hairs showing up more and more in my hair and instead of wanting to pull them out, they actually make me happy. I feel like they are the badges of the toughest year of my life and as the silver shines, so do I, their growth is intertwined with my own. I want to dye my hair because it needs it…the color is all grown out but, I don’t want to cover up my grays….who says that? My life has not been easy but it’s mine, it’s my story and through all the ups and downs, even when I was blinded with self hatred, I still saw the beauty happening all around me. These little silver hairs, I’ve earned them with blood, sweat and so many tears.
I have no clue what tomorrow holds and I am holding on to my faith as if my life depends on it. With that said, I know I’ve got this. I know that I don’t have to lower my standards or be anyone than who I am. This week I have pulled many rabbits out of my hat, I continue to rise to the challenge and exceed the expectations of others as well as my own. My words, my thoughts, my opinions are becoming more profound, authentic and thought out. The overwhelming feeling I had towards all I need to do has been replaced. A sense of calm has come over me. I have been reminded of what makes my soul sing. The smile I have been searching for, it hasn’t reached my face yet, but, it is in my heart. It is aching to make its appearance again. I am grateful that the memories popping up on my phone, although they make my heart sink, I am slowly rejoicing in the memories and living in those few minutes reveling in the feelings that they invoke.
Years ago, we started really getting into listening to E.T. and his take on things. I follow him on every media platform I use and so I am endlessly reminded that when you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, that’s when you’ll be successful. He would talk about getting hardly any sleep and still grinding and pushing through. I wanted to succeed but, I didn’t know how to function without at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Thinking about it now, I think it might have been my depression. I am lucky if I get over 5 hours of sleep a night now and yet I manage to get up and do what I have to. I have maintained an A average in school and have shown up not only for myself but for my people. I get it now. I am focused and determined but in a way I have never known before. I think his words are finally sinking in, I am taking them to heart and allowing them to help guide me along. No need to recreate the wheel when there is an amazing man that is paving the way.
If you’ve been with me from the start, I pray that you have witnessed my transformation as well. I hope I am making you proud. To think back on the person that didn’t want to see another day let alone another year to who I am now and all the plans I have for 2021. We’ve come a long way baby…. I am stubborn and thickheaded but maybe this woman can learn some new tricks. To know me is to love me!