Here to There

Half of this month is over. In half a month we will be ringing in a New Year. We all know the things that won’t be wonderful for me, the traditions that are being broken, the people that are missing but, I can’t force anything upon anyone. Stephie controls Stephie right? So, I have 16 days to figure out how to get myself from where I am at to where I want to go. Have you thought about that yourself? How you will progress forward and step into 2021 with the growth mindset? How you will leave all that doesn’t suit you here in this shitty year and only take what inspires you, what makes you want to be a better you? Time is ticking and after the year we’ve had, we can’t afford for 2021 to be a year we are stuck in a rut. I’m preparing to break free and make some big moves.

I’ve started penning my resolutions. Goals that are easily attainable all the way to dreams come true. Somewhere in the middle are the ones that require consistency, that will force me to make sure that I remember I am the tortoise and slow and steady wins the race. Instant gratification is not the name of the game anymore. It’s cool and all to get a lead but it doesn’t matter if you lose it all at the end. Consistency almost always guarantees a victory and I have learned so many lessons this year I could honestly learn less next year. I’m looking at books I want to read and programs I want to sign up for. Again, in an attempt to get from where I am at to where I want to be. It’s refreshing to know that this is all fluid and I am able to make changes on the fly if need be. I am beholden to only God and he doesn’t care how I get across the finish line as long as I get it done.

I did something pretty major today. That is kind of becoming the norm these days. Not that I like it. I am still not a fan of change even though I am embracing it fully. My mom told me that I started this process and now I have to see it through. They aren’t going to let me give up on myself or what I’ve set out to do. I am super duper scared and of course doubting myself. Just things are different and the way I feel about it all is changing too. My priorities are transitioning and so is how I look at myself. All in a good way but I am giving myself some grace. There are certain things that have to be done exemplary and others that as long as it gets done, we are good. I am learning to notice the difference. I can’t give too much of myself for perfection when it isn’t required. Perfection is not real, it is not life for me. Life is messy and that’s what makes it worth living. You find people that will help make and then clean up the mess, so that memories can be made and life can be lived. Searching for perfection, waiting for the right time, that, is a waste of time.

As I’ve said, some serious opportunities are at my fingertips and it’s my decision in which direction I go. I don’t see anything as a mistake anymore. It’s all part of this journey, if I take a wrong turn, it’s only a fork in the road and although I might be delayed in where I am going, I am full of faith that I will eventually get there and as long as the ride is beautiful and scenic, I need to enjoy it all. I know I have to push myself. I know I have to get my butt into gear. I really need some time to relax and just be me before the chaos ensues. I can’t wait for Christmas break. I want to slow down a bit, and be in the moment. Do you feel it? Do you feel the magic? Can you tell that the universe is hard at work to bring us all our hearts’ desires? I am in transition and I am open and I am thinking big.

I’ve patiently waited for too many years for the stars to perfectly align and this year I said fuck it, I’ll move those bastards myself. I didn’t know I had it in me. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I can’t explain the sense of remorse and guilt I feel that someone did see all of this in me and I was blinded by self hatred to make these moves sooner. He deserved the best of me because he saw the best in me. What I would do to give him this woman, the woman he brought out in me. It may only ever be in my dreams but regardless, I am forever grateful. I’m here because he was there and now it’s time for me to get there and praying maybe there’s a where do we go from here….

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