So, I did not get my final research paper for Government turned in before midnight last night. When it got to midnight, I decided to go to bed. Stressing wasn’t going to help me create work I was proud of. I’m losing points anyways so I decided to get it turned in before he doesn’t accept any more work… I’ve got a few more days. Part of me is tempted to not turn it in. Regardless if I do it or if I don’t, my grade is going to end up as a B, it’s just the difference between B+ and B-. I am super pissed about the B since I’ve been at a A+ all damn semester. Shit happens and for some reason, this was meant to be. I’m not worried about it. To make up for it, I got my grade back for my Statistics research and me, Stephanie, hater of math, got a perfect score! Damn, that paper was hard and I had to run cross tables, and name the central tendencies and decide between IQV and range and standard deviation and so on and so forth and decide if I could reject the null hypothesis (which I could not). All of that was in APA format with a references page and in text citations and ya…. Oh em gee. I got a perfect 200 points out of 200 points! I know history and me missing a deadline doesn’t prove otherwise. I am not good at math but, me getting a perfect score means I understand it better than I give myself credit for.
I had a dream this morning before I awoke and it was so real. It’s not what I want but the realness of it has kind of stuck with me all day today. Among other things, I was very productive and yet still so much in my head. I have a lot that needs to be decided in such a short amount of time. I thought I had more time to think things through but the time is up. I am worried about making a decision and not being able to fully commit the time, energy and money needed to be successful and then comes the question if I should even attempt it. I spoke to my mom today and my stepdad said for me to at least try. If it all works out then we will figure out what to do at that point but I should never not try for what I want. They could tell that I am nervous about this but see how hard I’ve been working towards it. I just have other plans, plans that have expiration dates that can’t be reversed or postponed and I don’t know if by myself, I can have both. Isn’t that a horrible predicament? As a single mom, we have to choose between ourselves and our kids. We have to choose between what we want and being there for our children the way they deserve. I don’t have anyone to split the time with, I don’t have anyone to support me and pick up the slack. It’s me or nothing and it just baffles me. I will find a way, I always do. I honestly never expected to be in a place like this again.
Anyways, I am veering off track. Things happen for a reason. I’m frustrated, but, I believe. So, I will make the hard decisions by myself and celebrate or be defeated on my own as well. Thankfully, there are many other tools at my disposal at the moment to assist in this endeavor, I only have to do the research and make a move. The sky is the limit right?
I fixed myself up today after a couple of weeks with no makeup on and my hair in a bun. It felt good even though it was for a few hours. My stepdad told me that I looked nice. That felt good to hear. I’ve been super in my feels and everything is reminding me of traditions or memories or just anything that can make me feel so happy about this time of year and in the next moment bring me to tears. I listen to the Christmas songs and how I can relate to the sad ones right now. Then my little drummer boy comes on and I remember that I may not have much to offer but, I have myself and for the right people, for me, that is enough. God made me this way and who has the right to question him? I’m out of sorts, that’s for sure, I am working double time to course correct and keep myself in good spirits. I can’t get this time back and I have to make the most of every minute even if I would choose otherwise.
I saw something today that I tried to share on Instagram but it was too long. I don’t know who wrote it but, it is spot on.
I’m not a failure but I’ve failed.
I’m not a mistake but I’ve screwed up.
I’m not a disaster but I don’t always get it right.
Truth be told,
I’ve fallen more times than I can count and I’m okay with that- I learned from each failure.
I’ve stumbled, failed and made more mistakes than most people,
But then, I’m not like most people…
They haven’t had to claw and scratch to find their way, to survive, just to be happy.
I had to be strong when I thought I had nothing left because I didn’t have any other options.
I surrendered everything that I was to become who I was meant to be.
The critics don’t know what it means to be at the end of their rope and not know where to turn.
But you see, that’s where my story begins- where everyone else’s tale stops.
I didn’t just crash and burn,
I fell and crashed into a million pieces.
I shattered in ways that most can never recover from,
But that’s just the beauty of my story-
It’s a tale of massive failures and anguishing struggle,
It’s a journey of broken hearts and wounded wings..
But more than that,
My path is a story of triumph amongst the tragedy,
Rising from the ashes and finding myself when not long before, I couldn’t even find my way.
It’s a rekindling of my fire when my spark was almost gone.
There were many times I was down and out,
So lost in the darkness I couldn’t even see the light..
But that’s what makes me who I am and part of my indomitable spirit.
I uncovered my strength and unleashed my courage.
I clawed my way out of the abyss into the light.
I didn’t know how I’d make it some days, but somehow I always found a way.
I don’t need help up and I don’t want a hand out.
You can keep your sympathy, I’m gorgeous in all the ways that matter..deep and soulful.
I want someone to walk beside me and appreciate everything that went into making me the beautifully broken heart that roared back from the fire.
Equal, no more and no less.
Love me for me and all my splendid chaos and you’ll begin to understand the fire in my heart.
I have magic in my spirit and a passion in my heart that nothing can take away from me.
So, honey, understand that life may knock me down and I’ll have to fight harder some days,
But you can’t keep a strong person down, ever.
So, stand with me or stand aside, I have places to go and dreams to catch.
Like most wild creatures,
I was always meant to be free.
These wings..they’re made to soar.
Love me the way that I deserve or let me go.. you’ll never keep me in a cage when I’m meant to fly high.
Can you roll with that?
Nausicaa Twila Beautiful Minds Anonymous