She Became the Journey

When you’re in the deep of something, often you will not realize all that is happening, you can’t see the full picture. You’re at a disadvantage until you take the time to look at the situation from the outside, gain perspective and re-evaluate the situation you are in. I had everyone I wanted in my life, I loved everyone I wanted, except for myself, I was the missing piece. For years I was stuck because what I saw in the deep of it was my family and that was enough but when I took a look from the outside in, I noticed that I was part of that equation and if I loved everyone in my life, that was supposed to extend out to me, actually, I was supposed to be the first on the list. This new perspective has brought me to where I am today.

I am my biggest supporter now, I show up for me, I accept this journey. I understand that it all starts with me. I have to be held accountable for what I allow to happen to me. It is my choice what I let in, what I allow to have control over my life. I have to be my own gatekeeper and trust my instincts, I am getting better at not second guessing myself. I swear, I learn something new every day and today, it is that I am no longer only on a journey, I at some point along the way, became the journey. I’ve been in an emotional place lately but mainly for good reasons. I am impressed with myself and how I’ve handled all that’s come my way recently. I’m not proud of some things but, I did what I had to and believe God will sort it all out for me. My dreams seem to be getting bigger, what I know I deserve is increasing and it’s building a fire in me. Usually when I get to this point, when I get to the top of the mountain, I freeze there and can remain at the tip for years waiting for the scale to tip and me to live the life meant for me. Thankfully, I know the secret now, you want in on it? DON’T WAIT. Once you’re at the top of the mountain, don’t wait, don’t hesitate, JUMP BABY! What is the point of waiting? All I did was limit my future by waiting for something that was never going to come. I let doubt creep in where it had no place. I was at the top, I was there and I only needed to keep pushing through, take the leap and trust that the work I put it would get me to where I needed to be. I’m working my way back up the mountain and once I’m at the top, while I might take a moment to revel in the beauty of it all since this journey has been a glorious one, I am jumping, a huge leap of faith so that I can level up.

When my perspective changed, when I became more aware, I somehow gained the opportunity to be the journey. I’ve always wanted to be the destination for someone, and then once they were “home” with me, we could journey together. I still want that. I know it can happen. I’m still going, I’m adjusting my sails but, I won’t lose sight of the destination. I keep listening to hear the sound of the horn or light from the lighthouse guiding me home. This journey is exhausting and so very lonely at times. No one “gets” me and especially not without speaking and that’s what I need, what I crave. For someone to know without me having to speak. To know me so well that they are a step ahead of me. Each day, regardless of the lack of what I crave, I am making strides, doing the unthinkable and stepping into life I want to lead.

Pause for a moment. Like right now. Take a look at your life but from the outside looking in. Is your life really how you see it? Do you notice anything that may need to be changed or addressed? Are you happy with yourself and what you add to your life? The New Year is approaching and there’s no better time to commit to making a change than now. Time waits for no man…. so, don’t wait to jump. You’re not meant to quit when you reach for the top of the mountain, you leap and then begin the climb on a new mountain with updated goals and aspirations.

I did something today that I thought would never happen. I wanted it to but it just seemed so far away. While it’s only the first step to a much bigger step, it is a huge step nonetheless and I will not downplay it. I am nervous and excited and mostly overwhelmed. There are so many steps to take and such little time and if it all comes to fruition, these next few months will be huge and full of work. Go big or go home right? I’m not talking about it, I’m being about it. Damn it, I wish I could just dance around right now, looking up to the heavens and giving all my thanks to God. All I saw was a worthless, broken woman, one who did not deserve the incredible family she was blessed with, so, I lost that family and when I was ready to give up on myself, God reminded me that I’m here for a purpose and he wasn’t done with me yet. He showed me all of the gifts He bestowed me with when creating me. I might have broken more times than I can count, but, I always manage to get back up and continue to fight. This time, I became more than I expected. I couldn’t be more grateful.

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